I am not sure I realized how much I would need to get into for this to be useful for me and anyone else. I didn't have the idea to go WAY back to the beginning but I suppose it is worth a mention to get the background.
My practitioner asked me at our first visit this month, "how long have you had issues with depression and anxiety?" I literally laughed...as long as I can remember. What age do we start having memories? It started then for sure. I grew up in a volatile home. Narcissist (my diagnosis) father who was verbally and physically abusive to all of us. I remember FEAR as a huge portion of my daily life. Fear of getting hit, fear of getting screamed at and fear of disappointing the person abusing me. I should note, this is only interpretation of MY experience of my childhood. I don't speak for my sibling nor my mother for that matter.
It's hard to try to summarize what living like this for 17 years was like. Gut wrenching fear anytime I heard his vehicle pull into the driveway. If things weren't perfect, house clean, etc someone was getting the wrath. One of the reasons became over the top about organization. I tried as a child to keep things in order that wasn't to avoid any backlash. I just told my husband last week, I still get a fear when he comes home early and the house isn't clean. It is so ingrained in me that I still get that knot, only for a split second because then I realize...Greg could care less what the house looks like as long as I am home.
We were not allowed to show emotion. Crying could get you screamed at more, hit , spanked etc. I remember him telling my mom, until she made the money he did, she didn't get to have an opinion on anything. No one could have an opinion, or disagree or there was hell to pay. Unfortunately, my mom drank heavily and of course that caused more turmoil. More fights, more hitting, more screaming. I think I would have drank like that too if I lived with the man she called her husband. It took me years to get over the angst I would feel if my mom sounded tipsy or intoxicated at all. I knew what that meant when they were married and it made me feel anxious. She doesn't have that issue now thank goodness.
Some of my highlight reels of memories:
~I was told more than once that I was too stupid to make it on my own without a man.
~I joke that my name was "fucking stupid" growing up, that was used more than my actual name.
~Once I threw away some eggs in the garbage bc I really didn't like eggs. Well, he heard me and dug them out of the garbage. Brought it to me at the table, pulled my head back by my hair and shoved those eggs down my throat.
~When he found out I was having sex, he called me a whore and was only happy in the back seat of a car (which I never had sex there lol) He backhanded me in the face, knocked me off the chair and the chair fell over as well. Little did he realize, I was having sex trying to find any male attention that was 'positive'. That's another story.
~He enjoyed screaming at me, especially in front of company. I tried backing a trailer one time and he stood at the door with the window down screaming at how fucking stupid I was. Note: people learn much better being supportive and not screaming at you! I learned a lot of things I SHOULD have learned from my father but my husband taught me in a productive and loving way. Weird, seem to learn better that way.
~The memories are really too vast to get into but the verbal and mental abuse I endured changed me into someone with no self esteem, hating myself, feeling stupid, ugly, fat, (he shamed my body as well as a child) Sometimes I think that the physical abuse was easier to move on from than the verbal abuse. That shit sticks with you!
I didn't realize that my dad was a narcissist until about 2-3 years ago when a patient described a narcissist boss she had. She recommended several books to me, IT CHANGED MY LIFE! I will be posting about narcissists as well. I think that word is thrown around way too much. These are damaging people that suck the life out of you.
*****
When I was 18 years old, my senior year, I got married 12/1992. I didn't tell anyone, but I wanted a way out and that was the way out. High school sweetheart, dated my freshman year (he was a senior). Then again my senior year. I moved 13 days after graduation to live in Hawaii where he was stationed in the military. First day I got there, he slapped me across the face for being ungrateful. He had never hit me before. I didn't tell anyone of course. I didn't have a tv, radio or any of my things for 3 months while living there. I wasn't allowed to work until the very last month I was there. Lonely is an understatement. I had no money, I was 18 yo, naive, and lived on a fucking island! One of my very best friends happened to be stationed there with her husband and I can remember times I would have a busted up lip or black eye and beg her not to tell anyone. I didn't want to get him in trouble of course. Jesus. I could've dealt with the physical abuse, however he took it to an entirely differently level. He would often tell me how he was going to kill me. Tried to choke me out several times, knife to the throat, punching me anywhere including the face. My favorite was that he would take me up where we used to hike, kill me and he would get away with it because he would knock out my teeth, cut my fingertips off and spread them in different places so no one could identify me and burn my body. Apparently, that was too much for me so I left after 9 months.
Basically, I lived in fight/flight/fawn for 19 years of my life. Again, this is my version of my experience. Not looking for sympathy, just laying the foundation.
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THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD in a nutshell!
*Trauma bonding relates to an attachment style where the person is a child and the parent does harm but prevents that victim to recover by themselves or with help of others.
*Instead the victim is not allowed to admit feelings or fear. Such children learn they have to bottle up emotions and are not allowed to question why they are being punished.
*They learn to feel numb as they learn to do what is commanded, sensing disconnection b/w actions and feelings.
*Often they are taught SHAME, especially of their failures
*Learn you get in trouble if you distance yourself.
*If you display your own emotions, you get in trouble.
*Becomes dependent on the abuser from FEAR NOT TRUST
*Only safe response if fawning- pleasing them to avoid conflict.
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