I thought I would document and share with anyone interested ( well at my choosing of course!) in the fascinating process of ketamine. I have gone through this two years ago and was phenomenal in learning about cPTSD from childhood/first marriage and why we do the things we do as a result. This will not be a perfect writing skill, grammar etc but I am just here to document not get graded!
Earlier this year in March 2023, I reconnected with a friend whom I have known since I was 16 and he was 14. We have always had a great bond, friendship and love for eachother. He unfortunately got into methamphetamines early on after high school and spent some time in prison but we stayed in contact every few years or more often. I decided to meet up to see how things were going since he told me he had been clean since 2019. Long story short, I thought I could 'save' him, point him in a direction of a good life, pride, working etc. It became my obsession to help him. He quickly became verbally abusive. His moods were so unpredictable. Very emotionally labile. I quickly realized I was reverting back to how I was as a child. Not speaking up when he was disrespectful, continuing to allow the horrible behaviour. In my defense (lol), he was the king of love bombing! I love you, you are my best friend, you are so amazing, I couldn't live if I lost you, If you stop being in my life I will kill myself blah blah blah. Well, that was easier to believe than the other side of Fuck you, I fucking hate you, you are a narcissist, you are dead to me, you only care about yourself and my favorite...I act like everyone is beneath me...I could go on but I will pass on that. I hid this treatment from the two most important people in my life, my mom and husband. Obviously because I KNEW it was wrong to be treated that way. The worse he got the harder I tried to be the best friend I could be and help him in any way I could. All in vain really. So I dealt with this on my own for a little over 6 months and it affected every aspect of my life. I cry everytime I hear from anyone in my life, you seemed different this year, sad, distant, not yourself. Yep, I knew that and that farther away from him I am (time wise) the more I realize I don't know who that person was that I became. Hence, why I am here now.
It has been weeks since any contact with him. It was painful to lose who I THOUGHT HE WAS, not who he really is now. I grieved losing that friendship and the history we had together for so long. Again, he is not that person I wanted or believed him to be. He is the epitome of a narcissist, user, abuser, manipulative and took full advantage of my giving and loving nature. I am a caregiver for a living as a PA, its in my nature to help, sometimes to the extent of losing myself. Which I did. I became addicted to helping, saving and making it my goal to get him in a better place. WTH was I thinking ?!?
Once everything came to light, and I started talking to people about this, I realized this was a bigger issue. Not with him, but with me. I thought I had healed that part of me from childhood that obviously was still needing more work. I wouldn't have been in this situation if I listened to the red flags, the lies, the intuition the fight or flight feeling, shaking I felt every time I was around him. IGNORED IT ALL. That would mean I would have to let him go, let the friendship die and I wasn't ready to do that. I am now, it is over, no coming back from what he has done to me. I do NOT need people that suck away my soul in life. I have so many people that care about me and I forgot about that. I am feeling overwhelmingly blessed for the people in my life of all aspects. They have been my warriors that help hold me up during this time.
I always love when I say long story short, it is never short with me! For the first time in my life, I asked for unpaid time off to deal with emotions that are really at a point that I am not coping with life, work etc. I cry everyday still. Have for weeks. But I am also delving back into my process of understanding. I read everyday about PTSD, Trauma Bonds (WOW) etc. I feel so much less crazy now. I spent most of the year wondering why the fuck I was letting someone treat me this way when I knew better. It was such a shameful situation for me. Shame is a powerful emotion. But on the bright side, I know this pain will get better, I will get better and overall I will be better for this because I am processing what makes me who I am. I have the most amazing support system, especially my husband and mom. God I don't know what I would have done without them.
I will get into ketamine therapy that I started two days ago. But wanted to lay some of the foundation first.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS OR LEAVE COMMENTS TOO :)
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