I HAD TO GIVE THIS AGAIN IN ITS OWN FORM---this is fascinating to me! This explained SOOOO much for how I got here!
This can be friends, partners, coworkers, bosses etc.
‘Trauma bonding’ refers to a state of being emotionally attached not to a kind friend or family member, but to an abuser. It’s a negative form of bonding as it keeps you loyal to a destructive situation. The abuser uses cycles of abuse and then some form of reward to keep you trapped psychologically and emotionally.
HOW DOES TRAUMA BONDING HAPPEN?
By: Double-M Traumatic experiences throw you into survival mode. Your primal fight, flight, or freeze response is triggered, and in this case, it’s the freeze response. Your body will be on a constant or intermittent cortisol high, which will make you feel dissociated and unable to think clearly. And you will be working from your survival instincts, not logic, so you’ll look for what is good about the abuser and gloss over the horror. Trauma bonding also happens in part because of the science of addiction.
The brain is wired to repeat activities that cause a feeling of reward. And when we are suffering horribly, something small like a moment of kindness can seem such a reward we even experience a dopamine hit, which would also encourage us to be addicted to the abuser. If you try to leave a partner you are trauma bonded with, you might feel exhausted and even sick, just like someone coming off a drug. You tell yourself you just need to see them ‘one more time’, and just like that, you are back in the relationship, hooked again.
WHY ARE YOU MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO TRAUMA BONDING? Why are some people always hooked into abusive relationships, and others not at all? If you suffered abuse as a child, or even neglect, and have never sought help to heal the wounding of childhood trauma, you are more likely to be attracted to relationships that repeat the cycle of trauma bonding.
WHY TRAUMA BONDING MATTERS Hopefully, after reading about trauma bonding, you can start to see how trauma bonding can be because of unresolved past trauma, which is not your fault. Nor does it make you weak or unintelligent if you can’t leave someone you are trauma bonded with. Your brain and physiology are in cycles of attachment and addiction that anyone would struggle to break.
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Signs of Trauma Bonding in Relationships
A Quick Explainer on Trauma Bonds and Our Brains
I’ve been in a trauma bonded relationship. I knew it was bad for me, and yet, the smallest gesture of kindness could send me sailing. Why? I’m an intelligent person. Why were my emotions sabotaging me like this? (At least, that’s how it felt at the time).
There’s a science to it. Your brain is playing a role, and it’s more involved than you might think.
When you’re in the throes of a trauma bond, your brain releases a cocktail of chemicals. The two big players? Oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin, often dubbed the “love hormone,” deepens feelings of attachment and trust. It’s what floods your system during those rare, sweet moments with your partner, making you feel close and connected.
Then there’s dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter.
When your partner showers you with affection after a bout of negativity, dopamine surges, giving you a “high” akin to that of a gambler winning a bet (think back to our slot machine analogy). It’s exhilarating, addictive, and it keeps you coming back for more, hoping for another hit of that euphoria.
But here’s the catch: these chemicals also make the lows – the hurtful comments, the cold shoulders, the abusive behaviors – more bearable. You’re essentially riding a neurochemical roller coaster, with highs that make you forget the lows, even if just for a moment.
Understanding this brain chemistry isn’t about placing blame on yourself.
It’s about recognizing the powerful forces at play, pulling you deeper into the trauma bond. I hope it also gives you a way to process the lack of alignment between your head and heart.
These are all things that a good counselor or therapist can help you work through and process.
Final Thoughts on the 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding:
You’re not alone if you’re struggling to leave an abusive or manipulative partner. Breaking free require a strong leap of faith in yourself and the ability to set healthy boundaries and protect your peace.
Breakups are difficult, but trauma-bonded breakups, especially in narcissist trauma bond, are even worse due to the cognitive dissonance born out of the experience.
To put it simply, a trauma bond is an addiction, and it’s essential to consult a mental health professional if you are struggling to recovery and move on.
If you find yourself craving the highs from your relationship, especially after an extreme low, you’re not weak. You’re addicted. Remember, healthy relationships don’t involve such a strong attachment based on fear or pain.
The first step in leaving a trauma bond is education; if you’ve stuck around this far, you’re already halfway there. Learning as much as you can about trauma bonds allows you to identify these abusive dynamics as they arise.
It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. Nobody deserves to live stuck in a trauma bond. Giving yourself the gift of freedom and establishing personal boundaries may just be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
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