I wanted to add something I read at the tip top of this because it resonated with me so deeply.
*Trauma bonding relates to an attachment style where the person is a child and the parent does harm but prevents that victim to recover by themselves or with help of others.
*Instead the victim is not allowed to admit feelings or fear. Such children learn they have to bottle up emotions and are not allowed to question why they are being punished.
*They learn to feel numb as they learn to do what is commanded, sensing disconnection b/w actions and feelings.
*Often they are taught SHAME, especially of their failures
*Learn you get in trouble if you distance yourself.
*If you display your own emotions, you get in trouble.
*Becomes dependent on the abuser from FEAR NOT TRUST
*Only safe response if fawning- pleasing them to avoid conflict.
*******
I am actually adding more than one article or definition because I think there is good information in different ways. These are things I actually took notes on instead of coughing and pasting.
TRAUMA BONDING-( I felt this a lot what I took notes on)
1. Unhealthy relationships one can find intense attachment even when one partner puts down and the values the other
2. General sense of chaos, confusion and restlessness
3. There will be cycles of Krill behavior followed by brief sunny periods. From the outside you can see the victim is completely confused cruelty with love.
4. Psychologists Remind us that traumatic dependent relationships, when they end, manifests such intense gnawing grief.
5.Childhood- we learned about bonding and early years. Exposure to rejection, changing moods and manipulation displays what apparent looks like when they love.
6. are inner child who wants love sees this in adulthood, You relive the defensive measures and emotions from earlier in life when forming a traumatic relationship.
7. The rapid up welling of emotions from our most vulnerable and dependent years is so familiar that we feel to see that. It is so powerful it can feel like falling in love.
8. Victims of traumatic childhood tend to be drawn to Narcissists as Narcissists are drawn to them.
9. If you feel guilty about cutting ties with your abuser, feeling dead it to them or depressed about losing them... understand these are NOT logical and are NOT true feelings of love. They are horrible side effects of the chemical warfare in your brain.
10. All the good then gut wrenching pain, anxiety, restlessness and depression can be a cocktail more addictive than cocaine.
11. year body and mind or hooked and your body is controlled by the emotions.
12. Why do I feel so much pain? this is not love and this has to be realized before healing begins. Every victim has to go back to something that was almost always heard deep within at the beginning such as the 1st negative experience, sense of intuition, words and actions not being right, facts changing or remarks that show malice. the victim decides to turn that off. NOW We have to return there. It was a warning and not nearly as painful as the outcome of ignoring it
13. When you were traumatized by an abuser it affects her memory disrupted by being hyper aware or hypervigilant. All of this decreases your concentration and overall functioning.
*************
Trauma-bonding
lives in the nervous system. The brain makes associations between “love” and
abuse or neglect.
Trauma-bonding
is an attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with being “saved” every
now and then.
Trauma-bonding
in adulthood can stem from childhood trauma.
When
I finally learned about trauma-bonding, it was such a relief. It allowed me to
judge myself a little less for how I’d been caught in this cycle. It wasn’t
because I was broken or didn’t deserve love. It was because my nervous
system was wired for trauma-bonding in adolescence. My brain had made
associations based on what I experienced and witnessed: “love” comes with abuse
and neglect. Of course, I sought out abusive and unavailable partners over and
over again.
Trauma-bonding
defined
When
we are faced with abuse and neglect, we are chemically wired to focus on
getting to the “other side.” When the abuser is the person that brings us
relief, the brain associates them with safety.
The
brain latches on to the positive experience of relief rather than the negative
impact of the abuser.
This
happens because the body’s threat response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) turns
off the part of the brain that can think long-term when we are in crisis. This
creates the feeling that we need the abuser to survive, and is often mistaken
for “love.”
Trauma-bonding
is a hormonal attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with
being “saved” every now and then. A slightly different version of this cycle
can be seen when we are sitting at a slot machine in Vegas. It’s called
intermittent reinforcement and casinos have long used the data surrounding it
to help us pour our life savings into their hands in the hope that we might
finally “win.”
This
type of conditioning is intuitively exploited by narcissists. They are masters
at giving us just enough and then ripping it all away. In conjunction with
gaslighting, emotional abuse and manipulation designed to make us question
our reality, the major building blocks for trauma-bonding are formed.
“As
traumatized children we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We
never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.”
***********
What
Are Trauma Bonds?
A
trauma bond is an emotional attachment you may have with someone that
arises from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent
reinforcement through rewards and punishments, often leading to emotional
dependency.
Put
simply, there will be cycles of abuse followed by acts of kindness and
affection (which is that intermittent reinforcement I just
mentioned).
In
a trauma bond, the abuser uses manipulative tactics to hook the abused
person and keep them coming back for more, creating a power imbalance.
The
end goal is for an abuser to gain emotional control over the other person,
causing psychological abuse and dependence. This dependence makes it incredibly
hard and painful for a victim to leave their abuser, even if they’re done much
more harm than good, leading to emotional turmoil, low self-esteem, and even
depression.
Think
of a slot machine at a casino.
You
play, and play, and play and continue to lose. Then, suddenly you win! The high
you get from finally achieving what you wanted keeps you coming right back for
more.
The
same idea of inconsistent reward applies in trauma-bonded relationships: a
victim will suffer greatly day after day, then, out of the blue, their abuser
may dote on them with kindness or intimacy, leaving behind a trail of confusion
and false hope.
*****
7
stages of trauma bonding
Ask
yourself some of these questions:
Do
I often look past red flags and abusive dynamics?
Do
I often think about how different our relationship was during our honeymoon
phase?
Did
the relationship feel like it was on a normal progression, and then radically
changed?
Do
I often defend my partner’s abusive behavior to others?
Do
I feel a sense of dependency on my partner (emotional or otherwise)?
Do
I often feel emotionally drained?
Do
I often avoid communication when possible?
Do
I feel like I have to hide parts of myself?
Do
I remain loyal, even when I shouldn’t?
Trauma
bonds can manifest in various forms, from emotional abuse to physical
violence. From financial withholding to isolation from your family and friends
to constantly monitoring your every move – circumstances like these can all
create a trauma bond.
It’s
important to note, trauma bonded relationships don’t start this way.
(Otherwise, everyone would be running for the hills)!
So
how do they start, then? What does a trauma bond with a narcissist look like?
This is where the seven stages of trauma bonds come into play.
Cognitive
Dissonance in Trauma Bonded Relationships
Cognitive
Dissonance is a psychological concept introduced by Leon Festinger in
1957.
It
refers to the mental discomfort or tension that arises when someone holds two
or more contradictory beliefs, values, or attitudes simultaneously, or when
their behavior conflicts with their beliefs or values. To alleviate this
discomfort, people are motivated to change one of the conflicting beliefs or
behaviors to bring them into alignment.
And
it plays a major role in how trauma bonded relationships operate. In many
cases, cognitive dissonance forms the basis for how victims rationalize and
cope with the abusive behaviors they experience. Here’s how it manifests:
Contradictory
Beliefs:
A
victim might believe that their partner loves them (based on the affectionate
moments or past memories) while simultaneously experiencing abusive behaviors.
These two beliefs (“my partner loves me” and “my partner is hurting me”) are
contradictory and create internal tension.
Rationalization:
To
resolve this tension, the victim might rationalize the abusive behavior. They
might think, “Maybe I did something to provoke it,” “They had a bad day,” or
“It’s just a one-time thing.” This rationalization helps them reconcile the
conflicting beliefs and reduce the discomfort.
Behavior
vs Self-Image:
Another
form of cognitive dissonance arises when the victim’s behavior (staying in the
abusive relationship) conflicts with their self-image or values (e.g., “I
am a strong, independent person”). To reduce this dissonance, they might change
their self-perception or justify their decision to stay, thinking they’re doing
it for love, for the kids, or hoping the abuser will change.
The
Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding:
It’s
believed in the psychological world that there are 7 stages of trauma bonding.
While it might play out in this particular order, the stages can also
bounce around, repeat themselves, or happen all at once.
Everyone’s
situation is different however it’s common to find that trauma bonding in
relationships follows this similar pattern.
Stage
One: Love Bombing
Love
bombing occurs right at the beginning of a relationship. It’s what you may
think of as a “honeymoon period.”
Love
bombing includes sudden intense affection, lavish gifts, and extreme emotional
intimacy. While this might sound wonderful, it has a dark side.
Abusers
use this period to manipulate their victims and create a strong sense of “we”
far too early on. They attempt to influence or “hook” their victim by causing
them to let their guard down and trust them before authentic trustworthiness is
established.
In
addition, manipulators use this period to gain insight into their victim’s
emotional and physical desires. What makes them happy, what makes them sad,
what makes them tick… all so that they can use it against them later on.
Yet,
it’s all wrapped up in a pretty bow of fancy dinners, expensive presents, and
an overwhelming sense of unconditional love.
Love
bombing can be incredibly dangerous as it’s often this period that many men and
women look back on when trying to leave an abusive
relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stay this way for long.
Stage
Two: Trust (and Dependency)
Now
that an abuser has his victim hooked to excessive attention and praise, a
relationship will lead into the second stage: creating a (false) sense of
trust.
The
relationship has developed past the initial honeymoon phase, and a manipulator
is going to try whatever they can to really earn their partner’s trust.
This
might look like rushing into big commitments, planning vacations far ahead in
the future, or elaborate acts of service to establish a caretaker-like role and
gain dependency from their victim.
During
this phase, a victim may feel attached to their abuser. They aren’t aware that
things are about to turn sour and may seem the happiest they’ve ever been.
They’re
getting treated like royalty – who wouldn’t be?
Stage
Three: Criticism
Now
that an abuser has begun to sense the need for love and validation from
their victim, they switch up the act.
In
the third stage, a manipulator will begin to pick apart their victim’s
appearance and draw excessive attention to their flaws. This can include
their personality as well, as abusers will criticize their partner’s qualities
as a way to make them feel “less than.”
The
shift into criticism may seem subtle at first. A few comments here or there so
as to not draw too much attention to the sudden lack of adoration. This
slow change can make victims believe it’s simply the consequence of two people
becoming more comfortable together.
However,
soon after these comments start, they turn into belittling remarks,
name-calling, and the “blame and shame” game. It’s important to note that
dramatic apologies soon follow, sealing the glue of a trauma bond.
This
is where cognitive dissonance kicks into gear, especially if the victim
remembers the love bombing phase clearly. If you’re in this position, you might
start to rationalize your partner’s criticisms or think you deserve it.
Stage
Four: Gaslighting and Manipulation
As
the relationship continues down a troubling path, it’s inevitable for an abuser
to begin gaslighting their victim.
This
manipulation involves denying their partner’s experiences to make them feel
crazy, unstable, or unreliable. After enough gaslighting, a victim may begin to
question their own memory and reality.
Gaslighting
typically occurs when a victim calls out their abuser for things they’ve done.
An
abuser will deny, deny, deny until their partner has nearly flown off the
rails. Once the abusive partner can sense they’ve pushed their victim to their
breaking point, they suddenly seem cool, calm, and collected as they make their
victim out to be the problem.
Not
only will an abuser deny their wrongdoings, but they’ll also spare no time
twisting words and bending facts to emotionally manipulate their victims even
further.
This
creates significant cognitive dissonance as the victim struggles to reconcile
their understanding of events with the distorted version presented by the
abuser.
It’s
important to learn the signs of gaslighting to spot this red flag before
it worsens.
Stage
Five: Resignation
A
victim can only take so many lies, deceit, and abuse for so long. Eventually,
every victim will hit their breaking point. Unfortunately, the story isn’t
quite over yet.
While
victims will often conclude that they can never make their abuser happy, they
may first resort to people-pleasing behaviors to salvage the relationship. They
may try bargaining or simply giving in to avoid conflict with their abuser.
At
this stage, a victim may realize they’re being manipulated. However, as anyone
in an abusive relationship knows, it takes much more than a small tap on the
shoulder to walk away.
The
cognitive dissonance here arises from the conflict between wanting to leave and
feeling unable to. They might justify staying for various reasons, further
entrenching the trauma bond.
To
avoid future arguments or abuse, a victim may now become even more dependent on
their abuser: having children with them or getting married. This is an attempt
to stabilize the relationship by hoping more commitment will bring them back to
the happiness they felt at the beginning.
Stage
Six: Loss of Self
Starting
from the very beginning of a trauma-bonded relationship, a victim can begin to
experience a loss of their own self-identity.
At
first, the relationship may have seemed like a whirlwind romance, taking them
away from their family and friends.
Over
time, this loss of identity may look like isolation, neglecting their personal
needs, and sacrificing their values and morals to make the other person happy.
At
this point, many family and friends become worried about the victim.
They
may have a very difficult time understanding why they choose to stay. However,
there are many reasons a victim may be unable to leave. When an abuser feels
like they’re losing control, they become aggressive, violent, or mentally
unstable.
In
addition, after losing much of themselves, victims may not feel confident
enough to leave. Their abusers may have broken down their self-esteem months or
even years ago, leaving them unsure of their own strength.
Stage
Seven: Emotional Addiction
While
this is the last stage, it’s not often the last of the relationship. This
feeling of emotional addiction is so powerful it can leave people trapped in
endless cycles of trauma and abuse for years.
This
feeling of emotional addiction has been noted as nearly identical to the
strength of drug addiction.
These
stages are cyclical, meaning there’s typically a cool down or honeymoon period
after a large, explosive conflict. An abuser may begin to apologize and make
false promises of change. This short-lived happiness is enough to keep
victims addicted.
Abusers
go through roller coasters of emotional manipulation, leaving their victims at
their mercy. During a trauma-bonded relationship, a victim feels constantly
stressed or anxious, resulting in higher cortisol levels.
They
crave relief from the pain of abuse that only the abuser can soothe (more on
this in a minute).
Even
when victims recognize the cycle of abuse, the intermittent positive
reinforcements (periods of affection or kindness from the abuser) can cause
cognitive dissonance. They might think, “If they can be this kind, maybe things
can change,” despite evidence to the contrary.
If
we know better, however, why don’t we do better? Our brains can play a
role.
Signs of Trauma Bonding in Relationships
A Quick Explainer on Trauma Bonds and Our Brains
I’ve been in a trauma bonded relationship. I knew it was bad for me, and yet, the smallest gesture of kindness could send me sailing. Why? I’m an intelligent person. Why were my emotions sabotaging me like this? (At least, that’s how it felt at the time).
There’s a science to it. Your brain is playing a role, and it’s more involved than you might think.
When you’re in the throes of a trauma bond, your brain releases a cocktail of chemicals. The two big players? Oxytocin and dopamine. Oxytocin, often dubbed the “love hormone,” deepens feelings of attachment and trust. It’s what floods your system during those rare, sweet moments with your partner, making you feel close and connected.
Then there’s dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter.
When your partner showers you with affection after a bout of negativity, dopamine surges, giving you a “high” akin to that of a gambler winning a bet (think back to our slot machine analogy). It’s exhilarating, addictive, and it keeps you coming back for more, hoping for another hit of that euphoria.
But here’s the catch: these chemicals also make the lows – the hurtful comments, the cold shoulders, the abusive behaviors – more bearable. You’re essentially riding a neurochemical roller coaster, with highs that make you forget the lows, even if just for a moment.
Understanding this brain chemistry isn’t about placing blame on yourself.
It’s about recognizing the powerful forces at play, pulling you deeper into the trauma bond. I hope it also gives you a way to process the lack of alignment between your head and heart.
These are all things that a good counselor or therapist can help you work through and process.
Final Thoughts on the 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding:
You’re not alone if you’re struggling to leave an abusive or manipulative partner. Breaking free require a strong leap of faith in yourself and the ability to set healthy boundaries and protect your peace.
Breakups are difficult, but trauma-bonded breakups, especially in narcissist trauma bond, are even worse due to the cognitive dissonance born out of the experience.
To put it simply, a trauma bond is an addiction, and it’s essential to consult a mental health professional if youare struggling to recovery and move on.
If you find yourself craving the highs from your relationship, especially after an extreme low, you’re not weak. You’re addicted. Remember, healthy relationships don’t involve such a strong attachment based on fear or pain.
The first step in leaving a trauma bond is education; if you’ve stuck around this far, you’re already halfway there. Learning as much as you can about trauma bonds allows you to identify these abusive dynamics as they arise.
It’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. Nobody deserves to live stuck in a trauma bond. Giving yourself the gift of freedom and establishing personal boundaries may just be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.
