I think there are a few things I forgot to mention. In February my mom had a horrible fall that gave her a trimalleolar fracture of her ankle.
She was in the hospital SEVEN times over this and the complications she had.
She had two surgeries to fix this fracture (if you want to call it fixed-not impressed with the surgeon at all!) She ended up with a pulmonary embolism, (blood clot in her lungs) and the last 4 hospitalizations were for heart failure where she basically filled up with fluid from feet to torso. I thought I was going to lose her several times. Anyone that knows me, knows my mamma is my world and that was a lot for me to handle. I felt responsible to advocate for her because I work in medicine and no one seemed to give a shit what was going on with her. She left the hospital with oxygen 24/7 and is JUST NOW getting some answers. No one even tried to figure out why when she was in the hospital. I wrote a letter and sent over 100 pages of hospital records to Sacred Heart in Eugene and got her hooked up with a heart failure specialist (who looks 12 by the way) he blew my mind! He knew her whole history, had a plan when he walked in that room. She started feeling better within a week of changing medications. Her cardiologist locally, never changed a fucking thing after 4 hospitalizations! People in the hospital need advocates...without question! This was the first time my mom has had significant health problems and it took a toll on me emotionally. Its hard to see her still now in so much pain, can't hardly walk etc. .
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Work has been a challenge, things are getting so much busier. There have been days I come to work after my regular ONE day off and have had 60 messages to deal with. Seeing patients, documents, rxs, messages, people wanting things right now. With the other things going on, I stopped functioning. My brain went into overload. That is part of the deal with my career, but I am getting burned out and it isn't a good feeling when I want to take care of people and practice medicine the way I want to practice which is above and beyond most, which I have seen being on the other side of things with my mom. I thought she bragged about me bc I was her daughter, nope, I kind of kick ass as a provider! lol
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One thing I keep forgetting as well, since 7/31/22 I have lost 130 lbs. HUGE change and transition for me. Started being more social which has been great. I didn't realize I hid so much bc of my weight. That has been difficult for Greg as well to see the change...not that he isn't happy about it but I also became more social, I got more attention, I became more confident in myself. I think there is always a fear that when someone loses weight like this, they may leave their spouse etc. We have had some in depth conversations about this as well as what happened this year. Its brought us closer and I always am amazed that we continue to get closer when I already think we are close! I know he also struggles to see me in pain, especially when I cry like I have. Some gut wrenching pain/crying! I always tell him it is okay for me to cry, but he always tries to make me laugh- I have told him to stop trying that but I doubt he will lol. For example, (which only his family would get) my first ketamine treatment last week I was very emotional prior and he came in with the sausage that his brother left on my Jeep two years ago and asked if I wanted to eat it. Good lord no! But bless him for trying to make me feel better. If he only realized, just sitting with me makes me feel better.
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One thing that has been steadfast, Greg. Jesus, he has endured a lot with my treatment of past trauma, shit that went down with my friend, my mom etc. He has always been right there next to me. Great, crying now. He amazes me. He may not understand what I am feeling but he listens and hugs me, makes me feel heard, loved, supported and best of all makes me laugh-which is so valuable to me right now. I didn't know you could cry for weeks and weeks every. single. day. I will tell you, it happens because I am still there. I know things will get better, they always do. Taking time off unpaid was worth it. I wish I could take months off to work on myself but I can't. My work has been very supportive as well.
I have had people come out of the woodwork to support me. I never realized how loved I was until now. I feel it every day.
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