I think there are a few things I forgot to mention. In February my mom had a horrible fall that gave her a trimalleolar fracture of her ankle.
She was in the hospital SEVEN times over this and the complications she had.
She had two surgeries to fix this fracture (if you want to call it fixed-not impressed with the surgeon at all!) She ended up with a pulmonary embolism, (blood clot in her lungs) and the last 4 hospitalizations were for heart failure where she basically filled up with fluid from feet to torso. I thought I was going to lose her several times. Anyone that knows me, knows my mamma is my world and that was a lot for me to handle. I felt responsible to advocate for her because I work in medicine and no one seemed to give a shit what was going on with her. She left the hospital with oxygen 24/7 and is JUST NOW getting some answers. No one even tried to figure out why when she was in the hospital. I wrote a letter and sent over 100 pages of hospital records to Sacred Heart in Eugene and got her hooked up with a heart failure specialist (who looks 12 by the way) he blew my mind! He knew her whole history, had a plan when he walked in that room. She started feeling better within a week of changing medications. Her cardiologist locally, never changed a fucking thing after 4 hospitalizations! People in the hospital need advocates...without question! This was the first time my mom has had significant health problems and it took a toll on me emotionally. Its hard to see her still now in so much pain, can't hardly walk etc. .
.
Work has been a challenge, things are getting so much busier. There have been days I come to work after my regular ONE day off and have had 60 messages to deal with. Seeing patients, documents, rxs, messages, people wanting things right now. With the other things going on, I stopped functioning. My brain went into overload. That is part of the deal with my career, but I am getting burned out and it isn't a good feeling when I want to take care of people and practice medicine the way I want to practice which is above and beyond most, which I have seen being on the other side of things with my mom. I thought she bragged about me bc I was her daughter, nope, I kind of kick ass as a provider! lol
.
One thing I keep forgetting as well, since 7/31/22 I have lost 130 lbs. HUGE change and transition for me. Started being more social which has been great. I didn't realize I hid so much bc of my weight. That has been difficult for Greg as well to see the change...not that he isn't happy about it but I also became more social, I got more attention, I became more confident in myself. I think there is always a fear that when someone loses weight like this, they may leave their spouse etc. We have had some in depth conversations about this as well as what happened this year. Its brought us closer and I always am amazed that we continue to get closer when I already think we are close! I know he also struggles to see me in pain, especially when I cry like I have. Some gut wrenching pain/crying! I always tell him it is okay for me to cry, but he always tries to make me laugh- I have told him to stop trying that but I doubt he will lol. For example, (which only his family would get) my first ketamine treatment last week I was very emotional prior and he came in with the sausage that his brother left on my Jeep two years ago and asked if I wanted to eat it. Good lord no! But bless him for trying to make me feel better. If he only realized, just sitting with me makes me feel better.
.
One thing that has been steadfast, Greg. Jesus, he has endured a lot with my treatment of past trauma, shit that went down with my friend, my mom etc. He has always been right there next to me. Great, crying now. He amazes me. He may not understand what I am feeling but he listens and hugs me, makes me feel heard, loved, supported and best of all makes me laugh-which is so valuable to me right now. I didn't know you could cry for weeks and weeks every. single. day. I will tell you, it happens because I am still there. I know things will get better, they always do. Taking time off unpaid was worth it. I wish I could take months off to work on myself but I can't. My work has been very supportive as well.
I have had people come out of the woodwork to support me. I never realized how loved I was until now. I feel it every day.
*I saved this the day prior to treatment, more on this at the end of the post.
*Greg just reminded me I also saw Frogs so I am updating that at the end!
11/29/23 BP prior-118/83, pulse 78. After 124/74, pulse 63
THIS was more a ketamine experience! They doubled my dose to 800mg (rapid dissolving tablets that are 15-20% bioavailable) I started feeling it before the 7 minutes were up to spit out my saliva. (Not supposed to swallow this version due to increased side effects) It took me into complete relaxation very quickly. The playlist they had me listen to was perfect. It's interesting, every emotion, the music etc is heightened. I feel the music much more, brings on more emotion than usual. ( I am very tied to music and my feelings) I didn't have any visions this round, like my other ketamine experience but I think the two things I really remember is the overwhelming sense of peace/happiness bubble up and overflow inside of me. When I came out, my mask was wet from tears...although it's not like crying like if I was talking to someone. Tears just flow. The only thing that came to me several times was turtles. No clue what that is about, until I told a friend about my experience and now I get it. I will post more about that at the end. I was under for 40 minutes total. Felt quite tired afterwards but peaceful.
I taped audio when I came out to try to remember anything. It was funny to listen to though because I would say something , then nothing for a bit. I must have been processing and I also repeated several things.
I described to my mom about how with the mask on, you are in total darkness and the music is your only sense really. Ketamine heightens that. I have had a different experience every time I have done this. Total of 9 times now. Its hard to describe- I have had visions where I had my eyes open under the mask and saw visions. The very first time, I saw a wall of red utah rock (which is one of my favorite places) and I cried , I felt safe and protected. My therapist told me it was protection I didn't have as a child. Made a lot of sense with the emotion I felt. This time, I envisioned things in my brain not visually. I saw Greg laughing and I remember smiling, I love his smile and laugh so much. The turtles came several times. When I came out this time, I felt happy, relaxed and then energetic. Slept AMAZING! Wish I slept that good all the time, insomnia has plagued me for two decades. It took 10 minutes or so to be more stable to walk, the spins to resolve!
SOOOOO, back to the turtles.
My friend sent me a thing about the turtle spirit animal symbolizing wisdom, luck and longevity. Connecting with your turtle guide allows you to access these qualities in your life. :) I did more searching and found several other things. I underlined the things that spoke to me personally.
The significance of turtles in dreams
When turtles appear in our dreams, they often carry profound symbolism. Turtles are ancient creatures, known for their wisdom, resilience, and patience. In dreams, they can represent these qualities and serve as a reminder of our own need for patience and perseverance in our waking lives.
Turtles may also symbolize the importance of taking things slow, embracing change, and adapting to new situations with grace.
Exploring the symbolism of turtles in dream interpretation
Delving deeper into dream interpretation, the symbolism of turtles can vary depending on the context of the dream. If a turtle is seen in its natural habitat, such as a calm lake or a serene beach, it may symbolize harmony and a sense of peace in our lives.
Conversely, if the turtle is trapped or in distress, it may reflect our own feelings of being stuck or overwhelmed in a particular situation.
Turtles are also associated with protection and guidance. In dreams, they may appear as guides or protectors, offering us wisdom and solace during challenging times. Their slow, steady movements can teach us the importance of navigating life at our own pace and not succumbing to the pressures of the fast-paced world around us.
Unraveling the hidden messages behind turtle dreams
When we have dreams about turtles, it is essential to pay attention to the specific details and emotions accompanying the dream. For instance, if the turtle is swimming gracefully, it might signify emotional well-being and a sense of tranquility in our lives.
On the other hand, a dream about a turtle hiding in its shell could indicate a need for self-protection and introspection.
These dreams may also carry hidden messages related to our relationships and personal growth. Perhaps a turtle dream is urging us to nurture our relationships, be patient with our loved ones, and cultivate a sense of rootedness and stability in our connections.
Understanding the spiritual connotations of dreaming about turtles
In many spiritual traditions, turtles are revered symbols of longevity, wisdom, and ancient knowledge. Dreaming of a turtle can, therefore, be seen as a connection to the spiritual realm and an invitation to tap into our inner wisdom. Paying attention to these dreams can lead to profound self-discovery and spiritual growth.
Turtle dreams may also serve as reminders to trust our intuition and listen to the inner guidance that resides within us. They can symbolize the importance of finding balance in our lives and embracing the wisdom of both our minds and our hearts.
The different interpretations of turtle dreams across cultures
Source: Istockphoto. Green turtle
Turtle dreams hold cultural significance in various parts of the world. In Native American traditions, turtles are seen as sacred and are believed to carry the earth on their backs.
Dreaming of a turtle in this context may symbolize a deep connection to the earth, a call to honor our environment, and a reminder to live in harmony with nature.
In Asian cultures, turtles are associated with longevity, good fortune, and protection. Dreaming of a turtle in this cultural context may be seen as a positive omen, indicating blessings and a long, prosperous life ahead.
Analyzing common scenarios and situations involving turtles in dreams
Let’s explore some common scenarios and situations involving turtles in dreams and their possible interpretations. If you dream of a turtle crossing your path, it may signify a need for caution and careful decision-making in your waking life.
It could be a reminder to slow down and consider the consequences of your actions before proceeding.
If you find yourself dreaming of a turtle laying eggs, it can represent fertility, creativity, and the birth of new ideas or projects. This dream may be an encouragement to nurture and protect these creative endeavors, allowing them to grow and flourish.
How the color and size of the turtle in your dream affects its interpretation
When analyzing turtle dreams, it is essential to consider the color and size of the turtle, as they can provide additional insights into the dream’s meaning. A large turtle could represent a situation or challenge that may require significant effort and endurance to overcome.
Conversely, a small turtle may symbolize starting small, taking incremental steps towards your goals, and honoring the process of growth.
The color of the turtle can also contribute to the dream’s interpretation. For example, a black turtle might symbolize protection, mystery, or the need to confront hidden fears. A green turtle may represent healing, growth, and harmony with nature, while a blue turtle could signify calmness, intuition, and emotional balance.
Uncovering the emotional and psychological implications of turtle dreams
Turtle dreams can have profound emotional and psychological implications. They might indicate a need for emotional resilience, reminding us to protect ourselves and prioritize self-care. These dreams can also point to the importance of maintaining emotional boundaries and not becoming overly defensive or withdrawn.
If you find yourself feeling calm and serene in a turtle dream, it may reflect emotional stability and a sense of inner peace. On the other hand, feeling trapped or suffocated in a turtle dream could suggest repressed emotions or the need to break free from emotional constraints.
Exploring the connection between turtles and wisdom in dream symbolism
Wisdom is often associated with turtles in dream symbolism. When a turtle appears in our dreams, it is an invitation to tap into our own inner wisdom and trust the guidance it provides.
The slow, deliberate movements of turtles remind us to take our time in making decisions and to seek wisdom from within rather than rushing into actions driven solely by impulse.
Turtle dreams may also be a reminder to seek wisdom from elders or mentors in our lives. They can inspire us to value the wisdom that comes with age and experience, and to cherish the knowledge passed down through generations.
The transformative power of turtle dreams: What they may be trying to tell you
Turtle dreams can hold transformative power, offering insights into areas of our lives that may require change, growth, or adaptation. These dreams may be urging us to embrace the transformative potential within ourselves and to open ourselves up to new possibilities.
They can also signify a need for patience in the face of challenging circumstances. Just as a turtle slowly walks its path, turtle dreams may encourage us to trust the process, even when progress seems slow and obstacles appear insurmountable.
How recurring turtle dreams may indicate a need for patience and perseverance
Recurring turtle dreams often indicate a need for patience and perseverance. These dreams may suggest that we need to cultivate resilience and steadfastness in pursuing our goals and dreams. They remind us not to lose hope and to stay committed, even when faced with setbacks or delays.
Recurring turtle dreams can also be a sign of personal growth. They may reflect our journey towards greater self-acceptance and a deeper understanding of ourselves. These dreams encourage us to embrace change and grow through the challenges we encounter along the way.
Examining the role of turtles as guides or protectors in dream experiences
Turtles frequently appear as guides or protectors in dream experiences. Their presence in our dreams symbolizes their role in guiding us through difficult times and offering protection when we need it most. These dreams may provide reassurance that we are not alone, and that there are unseen forces looking out for us.
When a turtle acts as a guide in a dream, it may be guiding us towards making wise decisions or leading us towards a path of personal growth. As protectors, turtles shield us from harm and offer a sense of safety and security in our waking lives.
The relationship between turtles and longevity in dream analysis
Longevity is often associated with turtles in dream analysis. Dreaming of a turtle may signify a desire for a long and prosperous life, both physically and spiritually. It can serve as a reminder to prioritize our well-being and strive for a balanced and fulfilling existence.
When turtles appear in dreams, they may also symbolize the importance of honoring our roots and heritage. Just as turtles have existed for millions of years, the dream may be telling us to honor our ancestors, preserve our traditions, and learn from the wisdom of those who came before us.
Frog spirit brings us into a deeper connection with our feelings, perspectives and our ability to purge negativity from our lives be that “dis-ease” spiritual, mental or physical.
Frog cannot endure a toxic environment and challenges you to release those emotions (like anger, hatred, bitterness, etc.) that hold you back. These outlooks show up in a person’s aura like dark splotches and, in turn, decrease our natural protective and intuitive abilities.
Frog spirit often comes to people who are simply not taking care of themselves the way they should. Sometimes this relates to diet, exercise and lifestyle. In other cases it may relate to a relationship on which you’re spending too much energy with little return. In both cases it’s time for a change. Step back and take the time to consider new ideas and outlooks. Just like the tadpole, you’re about to grow into something new and wonderful.
When Frog makes an appearance as a Spirit Animal he comes to remind us of our connection to the earth and the seasons. You may find yourself going through a time of growth and transformation, guided by the Frog’s alluring song.
Native American meanings for Frog have commonalities with Celtic symbolism. This medicine animal brings rain and can heal. In one example of folk traditions, Shamans used Frogs for curing coughs. The Shaman would put a Frog in an ailing person’s mouth, recite sacred words, then command the Frog to “hop away” with the sickness (this is a type of disease transference). That is how we come by the phrase, “a Frog in my throat.”
Other Native American meanings for Frog spirit include fertility, prosperity, rebirth and growth.
The frog may symbolize the unconscious, or some part or function of the psyche that still lies buried in your unconscious, perhaps something you find horrifying or disgusting because of some traumatic experiences that gave rise to anxiety and / or guilt-feelings.
Depth Psychology: The frog stands for emotional and spiritual changes, like the changes that take place from spawning to the final form
In dreams, frogs suggest an extra, deeper element to ourselves and if we can integrate it, our life will become richer. The frog has also been associated with the power of resurrection and renewal by meeting that which we find difficult or repulsive in life and ourselves.
My intention for today is letting go of grief. Grief that holds on to me like a vice. Sadness of trusting someone who wasn't who I thought they were and the grief of me going backwards in my recovery. I do know, I will come out the other side better, more confident and able to see these types of people for who they are and not allow them into my precious circle.
I am in a good place this morning. Feeling emotional but also still excited for the healing process. I need to remember to let go during the ketamine experience. Not try to understand etc, just feel it, get curious etc.
I am rediscovery of myself mode. Remembering who I was prior to this last set back. I completely lost myself and felt like a shell of a person. Which is infuriating, I was doing so amazing prior to this. Although, was I really? Would I have let this person in and hurt me if I was in a good place? Well maybe. I was trying to help, be there for someone I cared about. I just went to the extreme and gave all I had and in turn, emptied my own tank. I was asked to reflect on what I loved about myself prior to this set back.
I love that I care about people, no matter who or where they are in life.
I love that I love people the way I do, so intensely. I just need to give it to the right people.
I love that I had calmness, safety and understanding of who I was after my first ketamine therapy.
I love that I was a better wife, friend and provider because I went through the fire and came out the other side.
I love that I had control over my emotions, could have a conversation without crying. I was NEVER able to have a confrontation without crying even if in a calm conversation. I will get there again. DAMN IT I WILL! It was such an amazing after effect of ketamine treatment that I never had until 2 years ago.
I love that the lightness I felt emotionally etc was for the first time in my life.
I love that I reconnected with other lifelong friends and still have them in my life :)
Today, I love and appreciate the people I realize love and care about me. I don't think I ever really knew this but this, but there are so many people from so many different aspects of my life that are behind me, are there for me and I am humbled by that. I think I am normally in the " I need to help people" mode, ie being a PA and in the caregiver role makes that obvious.
I listened to a video Mindbloom sent me about my goals. Here is the info, ketamine is so fascinating to me!
~The more impulses along neurons the stronger they become. New skills, behaviors, etc is part of what you are doing with ketamine...wiring/bonding this information. This is why repetition skills are easier to perform. This includes ruminating thoughts, patterns of depression/anxiety, there is less resistance to go that path. The more it is done, the stronger the path.
~When the brain has chronic stress, it is harder for the neurons to sustain or connect. They tend to wither away and have reduced neuroplasticity. It keeps you from making new pathways bc the circuits will predominate in that direction
~Ketamine
causes grooves to disappear, brain is more flexible, MALLEABLE, and easier to develop
new behavior.that’s 3-7 days after Ketamine. It is CUMULATIVE
This program is going to give you the tools to dive deeper into your experiences and navigate your sessions with greater confidence.
The T.L.O. – Trust, Let Go, Be Open — framework is how you do that. In this overview, Dr. Paleos dives into the first stage, Trust, in greater detail.
Setting Intentions
As always, setting a clear, written intention for every session is paramount. Consider creating an intention around cultivating your trust — trust in yourself and trust in the experience.
Session Prep Checklist
Treat this experience like something that can change your life (because it can!)
Write intentions for this session
Don’t eat within 3 hours or drink within 1 hour prior to treatment to avoid the slight risk of nausea or a bathroom break that interrupts your experience
Calm the body/mind beforehand (brief meditation, short walk, slow yoga, etc.)
Pets/family/roommates are out of, and stay out of, your session space
Use the restroom
Comfy clothes, blankets, pillows, etc.
Phone in Do Not Disturb mode
Spit cup for medicine, glass of water, and listerine strips nearby
Dim mood lighting (lamps instead of overhead lights, if possible)
Have your Bloombox with you (medicine, journal, pen, eye mask)
Taking the medicine
Right after you place the ketamine between your cheek and gums, play the video above. Close your eyes and soak in the message of the first track. When the music fades and you hear a chime around 7 minutes, spit out the medicine.
Journaling After Your Session
There is a second chime at around 60 minutes. You may take off your mask at this point and continue to listen to the music as you journal. Make sure to journal everything you recall that came up during your experience to solidify those memories. Powerful insights, questions, and feelings can quickly dissipate if you don’t capture them immediately!
Integration Material
Here is your personalized integration concept. Throughout our integration sessions in this program, you’re going to cover the brain science behind ketamine therapy to help you gain a clear understanding of the science and potential you have in your integration window to make big, beneficial changes to your life.
Commit to an Integration Action
Now we know that you’re in a highly neuroplastic and flexible state in the days following your sessions. Your brain is more receptive to new input and new actions, and this helps form healthy habits, behaviors, and thought patterns that you can build up and solidify.
With this in mind, as you reflect further on your experience, see if there’s something new that you can commit to doing. What’s one action you can take to start a new habit or introduce into your daily life.
To support in your integration process, you also have unlimited access to our Mindbloom Integration Circles. The circles provide a safe spaces, facilitated by one of our Guides, to share your experiences so far with the medicine and also hear about the experiences of others. In the circle, it will be at your discretion if you wish to disclose your name or remain anonymous. We do ask that you keep your video on in order to keep the space safe for all participants.
For these sessions, there’s no need to check in with your guide before or after your session.
But remember, please coordinate with your Peer Treatment Monitor to replicate the process from your first Virtual Visit and make sure to utilize each component of your ketamine therapy program – such as preparation materials, helpful tips and soundscapes for your sessions, and integration guidance.
This session focuses on exploring the first part of your T.L.O mantra, Trust, Let Go, and Be Open. Trust is a central component in your relationship to yourself, to the world, to your future, and to your growth.
Okay,
I finally got here! I was blessed to have my mom be my support person
this time since I am doing this at home. I decided to go through an
online option due to cost and time constraints. I went through
Mindbloom. https://www.mindbloom.com/us
I
have to say, I am more than impressed comparing this to my previous
experience. My first experience with ketamine therapy was in 2021, in
office and a therapist as well I would meet with the next day. I did 7
sessions over several months and it was phenomenal. One thing I remember
was patients telling me I had a glow about me, a light feeling and seemed
genuinely happy. Guess it showed! That is exactly how I felt with
the first treatment...like 1000 lbs was taken off my shoulders and
understanding myself and it was more than amazing for me.
Back
to present day. I signed up, it was a little over 1000 dollars for 6
treatments.
~Met
with my practitioner to see if I was a candidate. Appt was on zoom and
lasted about 30 minutes.
~Received
my Bloombox in the mail and the ketamine in a different delivery.
Bloombox had eye mask, automatic bp cuff, journal/pen and a book for the
checklist of things to do prior to treatment.
~
I set up an appt for the first session with a guide. Which I have to say,
I really like her! Thank goodness. There was a lot of
education prior , much I knew but she also taught me more than my previous
treatment.
Recommendations
reading through ketamine treatment.
1. Have an intention, not an agenda
2.
Reflect on it and let it go
3.
What are we hoping to change?
4.
Be open for anything, do not try to control it
5.
Are subconscious brain does not think in a logical/linear fashion
.
Journal
right after
Mind
set:
1. Be open
2. Relax before your treatment
3. Have compassion for yourself
4. Remember painful things we will
come up while your healing
5. YOU WILL BE IN A VERY INFLUENTIAL
STATE. Avoid suggestive things such as
social media, intense movies or being around people that can be triggering.
6. Stay quiet the rest of the day,
relax
Integration:
1.Territory is
considered the world, our map is the abstract representation of the world
2.Depression/anxiety-we
are trapped in an abstract versus reality, trying to make sense of what
happened.
3.Then deciding
what to do with this information.
4.Enacting insight
for lasting change
.
Between
stimulus and response there is a space.
In
the space, we have the power to choose our response
~Prior
to taking ketamine: *MAKE INTENTION more about that later
1.
No eating 3 hours prior (nausea can occur)
2.
No drinking fluids one hour prior (same reason)
3.
Take anti-nausea one hour prior to ketamine.
4.
Avoid caffeine or stimulants the day of. Also brush teeth prior so the ketamine absorption isn't fighting the biofilm on your gums/teeth.
5.
Avoid alcohol or THC 2 days prior and 2 days after. **Interesting fact,
Ketamine and THC both bind to NMDA receptor. The N-methyl-D-aspartate (NMDA) receptor is a receptor of glutamate,
the primary excitatory neurotransmitter in the human brain. It plays an integral role in synaptic plasticity, which is
a neuronal mechanism believed to be the basis of memory formation.
6.
I did this treatment in my room on my bed, which is adjustable. Had my favorite
scentsy going.
7.
Once my instructions and education portion was done with my guide. We got
off zoom and I took the ketamine buccally. Tastes horrible- dissolves
quickly. CANNOT swallow this like the troches I used in the past.
It causes more side effects and can make the session last hours as well.
Have to spit out at 7 minutes and lay back listening to my chosen music from
Mindbloom.
8. Aprox 8 minutes in, I could feel it kicking in. It is a full body and mind relaxation. (for someone like me that is wound like an 8 day clock, that feels amazing!)
9. Mom was told to nudge me at 60 minutes, journal for 30 and then jump back on zoom.
10. I felt like my body was concrete, but also floating at the same time. I came out at 40 minutes, although likely more like 30+ but still sat there in a relaxed state. I was fully aware of my surroundings, which hasn't been my experience but we started low. 400mg, which is about 15-20% bioavailable in this form.
11. Got back onto zoom with my guide- didn't have much to tell with my experience but we talked about 30 minutes.
******
~Homework assignment:
1. Anything I feel coming up that causes anxiety or impacts me set a boundary and have a sense of calm and safety.
2. Rediscovery of self- reflect on things I love about myself, prior to this most recent relationship that started this whole process over.
3. Grieve- use it to empower myself to move on.
4. If there is deja vu feelings- get curious and delve into it more. Its our brain telling us something is surfacing from subconscious.
5. Avoid THC completely, it binds to the NMDA receptors which Ketamine also dose and you want the ketamine to keep that window open for neuroplasticity. ( I normally use to help sleep) The window is open from 48 hours to 5 days. Which is why you want to do every 3-7 days since it is a cumulative effect.
6. Listen to your body when something doesn't feel right.
7. Acknowledging the problem and taking this step is cause to celebrate. MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT A LINEAR LINE. For some silly reason, I thought after my last treatment I was good to go forever! Well until I let a narcissist back into my life and started this horrible pattern again.
8. I relaxed the rest of the day. Had some good reflection and am really excited to be in this journey again. HOWEVER, its really hard to feel raw like this at all times. I may look happy go lucky on social media, but I have cried every day for weeks, am in pain emotionally and feel so fucking raw. It will get better though :)
9. I heard back from the practitioner and next time-tomorrow 11/28/23, I will be taking 800mg of ketamine. Mom will also be here with me again this time.
***Oh yeah, Intention. This is a big thing with ketamine treatment. I had too broad of an intention so we narrowed it down. Objective was to release shame, pain and gain self confidence again and happiness again.
*** More information about that https://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=263
I am not sure I realized how much I would need to get into for this to be useful for me and anyone else. I didn't have the idea to go WAY back to the beginning but I suppose it is worth a mention to get the background.
My practitioner asked me at our first visit this month, "how long have you had issues with depression and anxiety?" I literally laughed...as long as I can remember. What age do we start having memories? It started then for sure. I grew up in a volatile home. Narcissist (my diagnosis) father who was verbally and physically abusive to all of us. I remember FEAR as a huge portion of my daily life. Fear of getting hit, fear of getting screamed at and fear of disappointing the person abusing me. I should note, this is only interpretation of MY experience of my childhood. I don't speak for my sibling nor my mother for that matter.
It's hard to try to summarize what living like this for 17 years was like. Gut wrenching fear anytime I heard his vehicle pull into the driveway. If things weren't perfect, house clean, etc someone was getting the wrath. One of the reasons became over the top about organization. I tried as a child to keep things in order that wasn't to avoid any backlash. I just told my husband last week, I still get a fear when he comes home early and the house isn't clean. It is so ingrained in me that I still get that knot, only for a split second because then I realize...Greg could care less what the house looks like as long as I am home.
We were not allowed to show emotion. Crying could get you screamed at more, hit , spanked etc. I remember him telling my mom, until she made the money he did, she didn't get to have an opinion on anything. No one could have an opinion, or disagree or there was hell to pay. Unfortunately, my mom drank heavily and of course that caused more turmoil. More fights, more hitting, more screaming. I think I would have drank like that too if I lived with the man she called her husband. It took me years to get over the angst I would feel if my mom sounded tipsy or intoxicated at all. I knew what that meant when they were married and it made me feel anxious. She doesn't have that issue now thank goodness.
Some of my highlight reels of memories:
~I was told more than once that I was too stupid to make it on my own without a man.
~I joke that my name was "fucking stupid" growing up, that was used more than my actual name.
~Once I threw away some eggs in the garbage bc I really didn't like eggs. Well, he heard me and dug them out of the garbage. Brought it to me at the table, pulled my head back by my hair and shoved those eggs down my throat.
~When he found out I was having sex, he called me a whore and was only happy in the back seat of a car (which I never had sex there lol) He backhanded me in the face, knocked me off the chair and the chair fell over as well. Little did he realize, I was having sex trying to find any male attention that was 'positive'. That's another story.
~He enjoyed screaming at me, especially in front of company. I tried backing a trailer one time and he stood at the door with the window down screaming at how fucking stupid I was. Note: people learn much better being supportive and not screaming at you! I learned a lot of things I SHOULD have learned from my father but my husband taught me in a productive and loving way. Weird, seem to learn better that way.
~The memories are really too vast to get into but the verbal and mental abuse I endured changed me into someone with no self esteem, hating myself, feeling stupid, ugly, fat, (he shamed my body as well as a child) Sometimes I think that the physical abuse was easier to move on from than the verbal abuse. That shit sticks with you!
I didn't realize that my dad was a narcissist until about 2-3 years ago when a patient described a narcissist boss she had. She recommended several books to me, IT CHANGED MY LIFE! I will be posting about narcissists as well. I think that word is thrown around way too much. These are damaging people that suck the life out of you.
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When I was 18 years old, my senior year, I got married 12/1992. I didn't tell anyone, but I wanted a way out and that was the way out. High school sweetheart, dated my freshman year (he was a senior). Then again my senior year. I moved 13 days after graduation to live in Hawaii where he was stationed in the military. First day I got there, he slapped me across the face for being ungrateful. He had never hit me before. I didn't tell anyone of course. I didn't have a tv, radio or any of my things for 3 months while living there. I wasn't allowed to work until the very last month I was there. Lonely is an understatement. I had no money, I was 18 yo, naive, and lived on a fucking island! One of my very best friends happened to be stationed there with her husband and I can remember times I would have a busted up lip or black eye and beg her not to tell anyone. I didn't want to get him in trouble of course. Jesus. I could've dealt with the physical abuse, however he took it to an entirely differently level. He would often tell me how he was going to kill me. Tried to choke me out several times, knife to the throat, punching me anywhere including the face. My favorite was that he would take me up where we used to hike, kill me and he would get away with it because he would knock out my teeth, cut my fingertips off and spread them in different places so no one could identify me and burn my body. Apparently, that was too much for me so I left after 9 months.
Basically, I lived in fight/flight/fawn for 19 years of my life. Again, this is my version of my experience. Not looking for sympathy, just laying the foundation.
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THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD in a nutshell!
*Trauma bonding relates to an attachment style where the person is a child and the parent does harm but prevents that victim to recover by themselves or with help of others.
*Instead the victim is not allowed to admit feelings or fear. Such children learn they have to bottle up emotions and are not allowed to question why they are being punished.
*They learn to feel numb as they learn to do what is commanded, sensing disconnection b/w actions and feelings.
*Often they are taught SHAME, especially of their failures
*Learn you get in trouble if you distance yourself.
*If you display your own emotions, you get in trouble.
*Becomes dependent on the abuser from FEAR NOT TRUST
*Only safe response if fawning- pleasing them to avoid conflict.
