Prior to 3rd ketamine treatment

Well, all I can say to start is ....FUCK I don't want to do this today. I had to take a break bc I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from this work.  It has taken so much out of me.  BUT, I gotta do it. I have my 3rd ketamine treatment today so I guess I gotta get back in the game!

The day after the last ketamine, I completely fell apart.  Why, don't know. I cried and cried and cried. You know that feel like you can't breathe cry...yeah that was me.  I think that's why I took a break.  I had a visit with my NP who rxs ketamine on Thursday and told her I was sooo tired of crying. She told me to expect it, the treatment tapped into something and I need to go with it.  Ok.   If you say so.  Several things I am tired of right now.

Tired of feeling unworthy

Tired of crying every damn day

Tired of my body hurting from head to toe because of this

Tired of being in pain like this emotionally, I've never cried this much in my life

Tired of my headache that has been here for almost 2 weeks.  That makes me emotional too.

Tired of seeing my husband suffering because I am in pain and he can't 'fix it'.  It has always killed him when I cry and this kind of crying affects him so much.  He just doesn't know what to do but he is doing everything I need him to and he doesn't even realize it. 

Tired of being angry that this has brought me to my knees. I am supposed to be stronger than this

Tired of not sleeping

Tired for not being there for people I care about bc they are hurting or struggling.  

Okay , enough bitching.  I thought it would be a good idea to paint my upstairs area where my office is last Wednesday after my ketamine treatment Tuesday.  This includes 3 full bookshelves of books.  I have this really bad habit of needing to organize or do some project when I have anxiety. The one thing I found was my old journal from my first ketamine 2 years ago.  Found a few things interesting.

There are types of trauma, complex PTSD is type 2.

Those with Type II trauma, or chronic trauma, typically have additional symptoms like dissociation, self-mutilation, addiction, paranoia, and physical symptoms. As with Type I trauma, the specific Type II trauma symptoms experienced differ by individual. Importantly, as clinical presentations differ significantly based on type of trauma, so does the appropriate treatment approach. Those with Type I trauma are most effectively treated with exposure-based trauma therapy types like prolonged exposure therapy (PET), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), or cognitive processing therapy (CPT). 

The most effective treatment for individuals with Type II trauma is a three-phase approach that begins with interventions targeting safety, stabilization, and improved functioning in day-to-day life. Once this is achieved, exposure-based therapy is appropriate.  Unfortunately, many individuals suffering from Type II trauma or complex PTSD are often misdiagnosed and don’t receive effective and comprehensive treatment. This unfortunate trend points to the importance of seeking out a qualified trauma therapist who can accurately diagnose and create an individualized treatment plan.

This is where the book, The body keeps score was recommended to me and also was recommended for a 'body based' intervention.  This being yoga, acupuncture and grounding.  (examples) 

One of the things that occurs is your brain and neurotransmitters with cPTSD is new information or new stressors relate back to trauma and cause you to feel every day stressors as a threat.   Which in turn causes anxiety,  increased heart rate, fear etc.  

There is so much we discussed about the brain, I will need to get into later.

Allow thing to come up during ketamine, even if painful because we have to trust the inner healing that is happening.

Changes that I noticed in my life from cPTSD- (discussed two years ago during treatment)

Everything is taken to heart

Need reassurance (that resolved until recently)

I sacrificed my time to make other people happy , friends, family and patients. I have learned and relearning boundaries. 

Binge eating

Poor body image

Quickly angered, cries easily. That also got so much better until recently.

Everything has to be perfect

****

I read my journal on the first ketamine treatment and had forgotten the other things I saw were 'warriors' like native american warriors.  Which apparently was also protection I never had as a child.  

We discussed this:

The 2nd ketamine treatment I envisioned myself thigh deep in a "louisiana swamp" .  Showing me feeling stuck, couldn't move or escape.   I wrote I was feeling more compassion for myself and more 'lightbulb' moments. (hope that comes soon!) 

My 3rd treatment wasn't very successful, short duration even with high dose.  I did see a tiny buddha apparently too.  Lots in my life about that now! 

This of course is all for me to remember and share but I like revisiting these things so I remember. 

*****  I am supposed to set an intention for today.  I think this time it is letting go of how I think I should feel during this process.  Its that weird control issue I have.  I have to trust and let go.