What a week! Seriously I can't remember a more intense and busy week at work in a long time! I was at work two out of four days at 3:50am. Ridiculous!
Anyhoot, not a moment to breathe to post anything.
I have noticed a pretty big change this week. Likely a combination of time, ketamine, the work I am doing and being back at work where I really thrive and enjoy my patients. (well most anyway :)
What I am noticing is smiling more, not a fake smile, but a real smile because I feel joy. I feel like a fog is lifting from my brain, where intense pain and confusion was...acceptance and moving on is how I feel. I can't try to figure out why people are they way they are. All I know is, people really show you how they are and I ignored every red flag there was (with my friend actually, previous friend) . When I cry now, it isn't long, it's not the gut wrenching crying I have been doing. It still amazes me this situation brought up all the insecurities, lack of worthiness etc from my childhood. Damn it!
Right before this week, I was struggling. The confusion of how someone I have known for over 30 years that I loved dearly, could actually be the person I NOW know him to be. ie part of the acceptance. I felt like if HE didn't think I was worth being friends with or treating me kindly, I must not be worthy of anyone's friendship or love. Yeah, yeah, I know. Logically I know but my heart was so hurt and confused that I was having those insecurities from previous trauma come up. I also feel there is so much confusion to me how there are actually people like this out there.
For example, my father was always an asshole. I didn't get I love yous, hugs , encouragement etc.My friend had the dark side but also the loving, amazing side-probably because he was getting a lot from me. Money, lunches, clothes etc. THERE is where I find the hardest lesson. People use charm and love (although fake love) to get what they need with no regard to you? YES THEY DO. WTF?? It is so far from my mindset and pretty much the farthest from how I think, it is hard to accept someone who used to be amazing, is totally a fucking narcissist!!! Sad life really. His life will continue to be the empty, unemployed, druggie friends and now responsibility unfortunately. I have such an enriching, amazing, beautiful, successful life the fills my soul. I just got lost for awhile. I'm back baby!
This will be my 4th treatment today, going up to 1000mg from 800mg. Different delivery forms are so different in dosing. I am looking forward to it. My mom will be here today. I have an appointment with my guide tomorrow morning. I saw my psych NP Thursday to discuss dosing. The good news is, no matter how I feel in the ketamine experience, it is still doing what it needs to do on my brain. That is reassuring because I thought I would have to feel a certain way for it to work, which is not the case.
Well, off to run errands and pick up my mom. I can't express to everyone in my life that has been checking on me and being there. I really have never felt so supported and it has been amazing.
Few memes that I'm feeling
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