Most INTENSE session I have ever had

BP Prior 103/65 Pulse 70   Post session 118/75  Pulse 74

I've never documented right after a session, but this was the most intense one I have ever experienced.

Today, I cried a bit even while the Ketamine was kicking in when the narrator was talking about "The Meaning of Life".  Again, I went up to 1000mg from 800mg.     I can say, I am so physically and emotionally exhausted after this one! Mom noted I kept saying my tongue was numb (normal for this) and running my tongue over my teeth lol  

Nothing too exciting at the first 10 minutes, I was in a green field of grass, sunny blue skies and Gregs face looking at me smiling.  Not sure how long that lasted but suddenly, I pictured my friends face and everything went pitch black except his face, which eventually disappeared.  At that exact moment of his face coming to me the music changed drastically. Before, it was waterfalls and stream, nature sounds essentially.  It's hard to describe what the sound was. It wasn't music at all.  It was like loud machining type sound, that seemed to go on forever!  I started pushing my bone conducting headphones up, so it wasn't so loud. I guess I did that several times per my mom. She thought I was coming out of it, but I wasn't.   My mom said I kept grabbing at the top of my shirt and pulling it down. I remember feeling suffocated and heavy on my chest during this time. This was about 30 minutes into the session. I got scared but I remember telling myself I was safe and as they tell us, Trust, Let go and be open. So, I trusted the journey, hating every second to see where it took me during that time.  Mom said I was crying out loud, she wrote down 'something very painful-has not moved her hands from her shirt' (my mask was soaked from crying)

This gets even more interesting... I kept seeing the word and thinking the word PURGE, PURGE, PURGE.  If you've seen Lost, it was like the black smoke everyone was afraid of.  Blackness everywhere and then coming out of my chest.  It was the darkest, gross and unsettling feeling to be in that darkness. I am actually afraid of the dark, which made it worse. 

After that happened, the nice music of nature came back on.  I felt light, taking very deep breaths over and over.  Came out of it but still crying, not sure if happy or sad crying.   I audiotaped us talking for over 13 minutes, so I didn't forget was I was feeling or thinking. I currently am listening to the audio to make sure I remembered. That was difficult to hear how upset I was and breathing heavily.  Some things I said:

"Everything changed so rapidly to total darkness and pain." 

"I felt like I was suffocating in the darkness."  

"I almost couldn't take anymore."

"It was like I was purging, expelling darkness from me and I CAN BREATHE AGAIN"

"It was so weird how it fucking flipped so fast- how beautiful it was with Greg, feeling light, airy and the nice music and then horrible darkness, and I don't know if it was real what I was hearing."

"Why would they put music in here like this? It's so fucking horrible!" (the sounds when it went black)

"I almost took my eye mask off to fast forward the music, it was scaring me, I wanted to rip it off my headphones because I don't want to do this anymore, it hurts too much" (crying hard)

"It was horrible, so much heaviness."  

"I could breathe again after the darkness left."

"I want to stop crying, but I know it is a good cry."

I am sure it was more than difficult for my mom to watch this and not try to comfort me. 

Greg would NOT have handled this situation at all. He doesn't know how to handle me crying and especially if he couldn't intervein.  It was actually quite hard for me to listen to my post session audio...made me cry all over again. I think I will sleep well tonight but It think my headache may continue! 

This may sound like a horrible experience, but really it isn't. It shows me even more how dangerous and evil some can be with other people for their own gain and satisfaction.  Talk about a metaphor!!!!!!