Next Round....Relationships 10/30/24

How to make love last forever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIBWhm_p0fs
-Anger destroys admiration of partner. 
-Our memories can hang on to previous letdowns, large and small, of which they have been guilty.
-Easy to neglect or ignore something that is always around
-Every infraction was not, on its own particularly serious. 
-Taken together, can dampen and destroy love
-Problem is not being able to process disappointment. Irritation is only ever toxic when it can't be rapidly and thoroughly discussed.
-Perhaps we tried to explain what was wrong but we got no where.
-Or more subtly, may have felt unentitled to make a fuss over so called 'small things' (childhood!) 
-We may forget to communicate these things to our partner, as we grown in resentment 
-If you are ignoring, withholding etc may seem like disinterest but this is not the case.
-To re-find our instinct enthusiasm for partner, we need to acutely locate  are suppressed distress.  We have to allow herself to be legitimately upset certainly things that was not properly reason for as long as we need.  In a way that lets us feel acknowledge  and valued.  
-A couple should allow for regular occasions where each person can,  without encountering opposition, to listen to incidents big and small where they/you have felt let down or unsafe.
-Objective is to let partner that we care about what they are caring about.
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How to complain effectively and compassionately
1. Have to get centered into adult wise part of you, not reactivity or anger. Remember love. Ask yourself what your agenda? Proving you are right? make them feel bad? Stop, wait to do anything.
Relational mindfulness
2. Ask if they are up to talking, both need to agree on the time.   Good time? if not when?
Negotiate and appreciation.
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1. This is what happened, just facts. Not you, you  etc
2.This is the story I "made up" in my mind. Not true, but how I took it. Get to say all the things that you felt without blaming.
3. What you feel about it? feelings not thoughts, joy, pain, fear, shame, love, anger, guilt
4. This is what would help me feel better now.  Repair.  Ask for what you would like.
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Can complain but don't blame
Make statements of I not you
Describe what is happening, don't judge
Be polite and appreciative
Don't store things up
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Intention for this session:
Show me how to enhance emotional connection and reduce defensiveness/reactivity.

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One of the things I am SOOO trying to work on is when I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I try to control every single thing around me including people.  I want perfection since I can't deal with what is going on in my mind.  Perfection from me and people around me, including my husband.  I often verbalize this now when I see myself doing this.

We are getting very self conscious about immediately recognizing we are in the wrong or was being snappy etc. Both of us acknowledge it , apologize for it and then move on.

Greg and I have been together 25 years now. We are evolving and learning as we go. I am so thankful we have made it through the hard times.  We express our love everyday, even when things aren't going well. We both have more work to do, but we will continue to grow.

Burnout

 

I haven't talked much about burnout. Boy do I feel this.  I have been in medicine over 25 years, 19 being a practicing PA mostly in FP.  Pandemic, turned this world upside down. People changed. Medicine changed.  Or did I just not notice it before.  The last 4-5 years the amount of work has increased dramatically. Telephone encounters, emails from patients, rx refills, referrals, appts etc not counting all the other crap we do with insurance companies.  The expectations from patients have gone through the roof. Of course not everyone, I have so many very amazing and lovely patients. As you know, we remember the assholes too.  

I am at work every morning at 4am, I start seeing patients at 730 and finish by 330.  Call once a week normally and weekend call every 6 weeks or so.  I have not had good support from my medical assistants which makes my life very stressful because I essentially am doing that job too...to undo mistakes or notice them in the first place. I used to get everything done BEFORE I went home for the day. I can never get caught up now.  It is insane to me how everything is urgent. Hell, I am getting prior auth requests that demand a reply in less than 24 hours to not toss it!? WTH? 

One of my favorite comments recently is, "How could you take any extra time off (1.5 days) when I am this sick?!" Wow.  Another sent a scathing note about how it was ridiculous how it took 4 days to get a call regarding a referral.  Um, I have to see the rest of my patients for the day, do the chart notes after I am done seeing patients, start referral, our referral person has to send it to appropriate place with appropriate notes and then the other office can take 2 weeks sometimes to call.  This issue I referred for has literally been 8 years now.  No worse, just tired of it.  Not life saving or anything.  

I had to reply to let her know that I was really sorry for her frustration but 2 hours after I saw her I got the call my dad died and I STILL DID ALL MY NOTES AND REFERRALS/RXS THE NEXT AM.  If that isn't good enough, fuck off and go somewhere else! See how quickly things get done. I know I work my ass off for my patients, which is why that crap is so frustrating.  

I know I have not enjoyed medicine like I used to for several years. Nothing is improving.  Nobody seems to understand the severity of how I feel. I told two of the owners that I literally have cried coming to work because I don't want to do this anymore. I question practicing medicine. I question what I should do.  Which pisses me off, I LOVE family practice and what I do.  I don't know the answer, but I feel like if one doesn't come to me soon, I may run away and live up in the woods in a tent! 

Dad passed away

 I have done 3 more sessions of ketamine, not regularly weekly but random times.  Nothing profound has occurred but I do feel it helps my depression/anxiety when I do treatments.

Currently doing 6 sessions, meeting with psych NP then 6 session and lastly a 3rd time of 6 sessions.

Since my last post, my father passed away on September 18th.  He hadn't been doing well, and finally found out that due to radiation of prostate cancer, (been easily 20 years he has had cancer- more recently metastasized ) the ball joint of his hip collapsed.  He wasn't able to bear weight, fell constantly, ended up in a wheelchair and was told at the doctors visit the afternoon before there wasn't anything that could be done except pain control.  He died the next morning after my brother left for work at 330am.  I did talk to him several times the week prior to his death. 

It has brought up a lot of   emotions.  Having a narcissist parent you have stepped away from for self preservation and then they die....whirlwind of emotions.  One thing I am very happy with, after doing ketamine in 2022 solely for cPTSD from childhood/first marriage, changed the complete landscape of my reaction to his death. I have cried, I am sad, I am sad for my brother who will feel this loss much deeper than me.  I am at peace with my decision and do not have one regret.  I don't know if that will change, but for now, I feel very at peace. 

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TIPS FOR THOSE NAVIGATING COMPLICATED GRIEF AFTER THE DEATH OF A                                                                 NARCISSISTIC PARENT

1. Acknowledge the Complexity of Emotions:
Grieving for a narcissistic parent is a complex and layered process. You might experience a wide range of emotions, including relief, guilt, anger, sadness, and confusion. Recognize that these emotions are valid and natural responses to the relationship you had with your parent.

2. Validate Your Experience:
It is crucial to validate your experience and give yourself permission to grieve, even if others may not fully understand the complexities of your relationship. You may have experienced emotional abuse, manipulation, or neglect, which can leave lasting scars. It's okay to mourn the loss of the parent you wished you had, even if they were not capable of providing it.

3. Seek Support:
Reach out to a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and process your grief. Sharing your thoughts and experiences with trusted individuals who can offer empathy and understanding will be immensely helpful.

4. Practice Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is crucial when grieving a narcissistic parent. It's essential to recognize that you did your best within the circumstances and that you deserve love, care, and healing. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to heal without judgment.

5. Set Boundaries:
While your narcissistic parent may have passed away, it is still essential to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Protect yourself by limiting your exposure to potential triggers and negative influences, especially from other family members or unresolved issues associated with the parent. Prioritize your well-being and surround yourself with people who support your healing journey.

6. Explore Your Feelings:
Grieving a narcissistic parent often involves unraveling and understanding the complex dynamics that shaped your relationship. Consider exploring your feelings through journaling, therapy, or support groups. This process can provide clarity and facilitate personal growth and healing.

7. Focus on Your Own Growth:
Use this time of grieving as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Recognize that you are not defined solely by your relationship with your parent. Embrace your own identity and nurture the qualities and strengths that make you who you are.

8. Let Go of Unresolved Expectations:
One of the challenges of grieving a narcissistic parent is letting go of the unmet expectations you may have held. Understand that your parent's behavior was a reflection of their own limitations, and it was not your fault. When your narcissistic parent dies, you are in a sense released from the burden of trying to change or fix them - but that doesn’t necessarily stop the longing, or the pain of a mother wound that is shared by all children of narcissistic mothers. This grieving period may provide an opportunity to start mothering yourself through self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love, things you never received from your self-absorbed parent.

Conclusion:
Grieving the loss of a narcissistic parent is a unique journey that requires self-compassion, understanding, and support. Remember, your emotions are valid, and it is okay to mourn the complex relationship you had. By acknowledging and processing your feelings, seeking support, and focusing on your own growth, you can navigate this grieving process and find healing and peace within yourself.

My Human Design

 Information from my Reiki practitioner  

Ok- so interesting and in our short time together, I can see so much of your design in you! This is just a summary.

You are a Manifesting Generator (like my husband)

This is your energy type. They are multi-passionate people so you have many passions in your lifetime. The world tells you that you need to focus in just one area but that is not true, you should follow your passions. You are quick to master new things. You love the unknown and discovering new things, this is exciting and adventurous for you. You can be spontaneous. You should only do things that you actually "want" to do. Doing things you love gives you and the thing more energy. Use your energy on the right things...just because you can do it, doesn't mean you should. 

You profile (your personality)

5/1 The Challenge Solver (UMMMMM lol)

The 1st number represents how you see yourself. The 5 is "the liberator". You have a "save the day" energy and love to help other people. People are very drawn to you because of this and they can put a lot of expectation on you. Your work is to discern which situations are yours to fix (we talked about this) Just because you can, does not always mean you should. Liberators try to fix everything to try and make everyone happy. If you fix things for recognition and approval, you will only deplete yourself. When you are doing something you "want" to do, that means its right for you. 

The 2nd number is how others see you. The 1 represents the knowledge seeker. You are an investigator and seek for facts and information because understanding and knowing things helps you feel safe. You feel confident when you are prepared. You can go down rabbit holes to find information. The universe is making you thirsty for knowledge because it is part of your purpose.

These number together are the fixers and the problem solvers, always coming up with answers and solutions. 

When you are out of alignment or your not-self = frustration (so when you are frustrated this is your sign that you are out of alignment)

How you know you are on the right path= Satisfaction

Gifts (this is just a list but in the app it goes in depth on all of these)

5- Marching to your own rhythm

6- Creating closeness with others

9- Focus and Precision

10- A love of life

16- Enthusiasm

18- Improvement

26- Tailoring your message

32- A nose for success

34- Magnetic Charisma

35- Life's information keeper's

36- Solving emotional issues

37-Creating togetherness

40- Being a giver and a provider

45- Getting everybody on the same page

46- Love of physical self and its power

50- Overcoming Inertia

53- Momentum Buider

57- Reading the room

63- A healthy dose of questioning and skeptism 

Your life theme: Left Angle Cross of Confrontation 2

To question authority, institutions and status quo, and to become an authority yourself

This is a lot but only a summary! If you want to dive in more, the app I use is called MyHumanDesign. There is a free version but it doesn't show as much. If you want to dive into it more, I would pay the monthly fee and dive in and then cancel it if you aren't using it. It can be really interesting to do other people that are around you- husband, co-workers, etc.

I hope this is helpful. Reach out if you have any questions.

Love and Light,

Chrysta

Few things I want to remember

Few things I wrote down from my ketamine treatments. With the programs the first 7 minutes are spoken word while you have ketamine in your mouth and then turns to music.  Also a few things my therapist said that I want to hold onto!

~Why would you ever blame yourself for trusting someone you have known most of your life? 

~Of course you felt safe

~I was acting in line with my beliefs and the thoughts of the good in people.

~Big question- What made me vulnerable at that time ? (more about that later)

*Session on guilt and letting go.

-Is is a blessing to inherently see the good in people

-As a kind and compassionate person, you find it easier to blame yourself rather than acknowledge  the pain caused by others or uncontrollable events.  This misplaced guilt comes from your inherit goodness and desire to see the best in everyone and everything.

-Self blame adds to the burden no matter you've endured or experienced. No matter what you might tell yourself or take from others, you are not to blame.

* One of the revelations that came to me in this process, more recently actually is WHY I ended up in this toxic situation with a friend.

This came at the same time my mom was in the hospital 7 times.  I honestly saw for the first time my moms mortality.  THIS is something I do NOT handle well. My mom has been the most supportive and unjudgmental rock in my life and I talk to her everyday. HOURS AND HOURS we can talk! I think I was running from that and since I couldn't 'fix' her I needed to 'fix something'. My goal was to fix my friend,  that was attainable. (not really!)  I remember during that year in 2023 I couldn't stand to be home alone, not be out doing something. I couldn't stay home on my days off bc I was so anxiety driven and the busier I was, the less I had to worry about losing my mom.  Crazy. 

One thing about this journey, makes you really look within yourself to figure out why. Why you do the things you do. Why you react the way you do.  

Reiki for the first time

 One of my friends told me about her experience and gave it a try.

I am not someone that can relax AT ALL and it was a very relaxing, meditative state.

The practitioner was very easy to talk to and opened up a lot. 
The visit was 2 hours, we spent a lot of time talking afterwards too!

Environment was very nice.  Welcoming, a bit darker, smells, massage table to lay on. This had a blanket and then an eye pillow.  

At the beginning, she asked Mother Earth, my ancestors and hidden friends to be there to support me and guide me.  

She started at my feet, I got goosebumps bc her hands were a bit cold.
By the time she got to my shoulders, her hands were on fire!  Apparently, that can be common.
I found this information :

Reiki practitioners sometimes experience their hands getting quite hot during Reiki sessions. This is believed to be due to the flow of universal life energy, or "ki" (also known as "chi" or "prana"), through the practitioner's hands.

The basic premise of Reiki is that the practitioner is able to channel this universal life energy to facilitate healing in the recipient. As the practitioner's hands become conduits for this energy flow, it can result in a noticeable increase in temperature in their palms and fingers.

The heat transfer you experienced through the cushion on your stomach is likely due to a few factors:

1. Energy conduction: The Reiki energy being channeled by the practitioner's hands is believed to have a thermal component that can be felt by the recipient, even through layers of clothing or fabric.
2. Increased blood flow: Reiki is thought to promote increased circulation in the areas being treated. This improved blood flow can contribute to a warming sensation.
3. Resonance effect: Some Reiki practitioners believe there is an energetic resonance or "attunement" that occurs between the practitioner and recipient, allowing the energy to be felt and experienced by the recipient.

So in summary, the heat you felt through the cushion was likely a result of the Reiki practitioner's hands channeling universal life energy, which has a thermal component that can be sensed by the recipient, even when there are intermediary materials between the hands and the body.

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Afterwards while I was still on the table, she used crystal singing bowls. Very beautiful and I could feel the vibrations in my body from them. This was quite interesting bc I was 5 feet from her and the bowls.  I didn't know anything about these, here is an explanation:

https://www.yogaanytime.com/blog/lifestyle/the-healing-science-of-crystal-singing-bowls-w-kara

The Healing Science of Crystal Singing Bowls w Kara Kara Looney August 19, 2022

I remember the first time I went to a sound bath. It was at a mysterious, other-worldly place just outside of Joshua Tree California, called the Integratron. There was a man set up to play 10-15 crystal bowls of varying sizes sitting in this circular, wooden, domed room. I was in the early years of my yoga journey and I was surprised to discover how transformative the experience was for me.

It was as if the sound emitted from the friction applied to these bowls had the ability to move to the deepest levels of my inner physicality, while also enabling me to access more expansive dimensions of awareness into my non-physicality. I was drawn deeper into myself while simultaneously expanding beyond my known limitations of mind. After the 30 minute session, which felt like a lifetime and the blink of an eye at the same time, I sensed that a strong healing recalibration had occurred physically, emotionally, and spiritually within me.

Sound baths, or in general the experience of sound healing, have become pretty common in yoga, wellness, and spiritual communities. One is invited to sit or lay down to indulge in the immersion of sound vibrations and tones produced by some unlikely instruments. Gongs, singing bowls, chimes, rattles, wind instruments, and drums are incorporated to help call forth healing and relaxation to the body, mind, and soul.

If you’ve ever participated in one of these sound events you can likely say without a shadow of a doubt that the experience had a transformative effect. Most people immediately remark that their quality of mind shifts from a state of activity, anxiety, and preoccupation to an undeniable experience of stillness and calm that has perhaps otherwise been inaccessible to them. It’s not only the mind that is relaxed and pacified into a peaceful state. The vibrational frequencies of sound healing instruments like crystal bowls have the ability to move through skin, fluid, and bones of the body, creating a full body relaxation and recalibration down to the level of the cellular structure. The experience creates an environment of “resonance” within the body.

Cellular healing

In her book Sound Medicine, Dr. Kulreet Chaudhary refers to our cells having “antennae-like structures...called cilium that receive and respond to vibrational energy fields, such as sound, light and radio frequencies.” The existence of cilium is why the state of our physical bodies, in addition to our mental perspective, is impacted so positively by sound healing modalities. The sound vibrations are imparting a healing effect at the cellular level of our physical being that is being received by these cilium structures.

Everything that has an atomic structure has a vibration. The speed or rate at which it is vibrating is called its frequency. The most ideal frequency for an object to naturally vibrate is called its resonance. Every cell, organ, and bone in our body has its unique resonant vibrational frequency. When illness takes hold, at a fundamental level the vibrational resonance of that structure has been compromised, or become “dissonant”. The goal of sound healing or sound therapy is to bring all the systems in the body out of a state of dissonance, back to a state of resonance.

Returning to a natural, resonant environment with practices like grounding, hearing and feeling the sound vibrations of nature, or instrumental sounds that reset our resonant frequency, is said to have a profound impact on our health, longevity, immunity, and mental and emotional stability.

Primed to receive

The natural origins of quartz crystal are fascinating. Two very mundane and well known elements, silica (Si02) and water (H20), join naturally under heat and pressure to create the crystalline structure we call “quartz crystal". This creation of nature can also be easily manufactured under controlled conditions, which is where many of the crystal singing bowls we see today come from, as well as the microchips that enable all of our modern technology to work. Quartz crystal has a piezoelectric quality that enables it, when placed under pressure, to amplify, transform, store, and transfer energy. This is why quartz crystal is the most integral and necessary component in electronics that allows computers, phones, and other electronics to work. Without the unique structure of quartz crystal these modern advancements would not be possible. The crystalline elements of quartz crystal are also present within our bodies. In this way the resonant vibration of crystal singing bowls has a powerful and impactful effect on the resonant frequency of our physical bodies. Generating resonant tones from quartz crystal singing bowls enables the crystalline structure within our bodies to resonate at the same frequency, thus re-establishing balance and harmony at a vibrational and energetic level.

Sound of the chakras

As we learn through examination of a rainbow, the various spectrums of light result in the display of color. Color is visible because of the type of energy called a photon. Photons are a type of energy, just as sound vibration is a type of energy. Sound and light travel, or vibrate, at different speeds, or frequencies, which makes it so we perceive them differently with our senses. Typically, color is seen and sound is heard. Sound is usually described and measured in terms of Hertz (Hz), whereas light is measured as a wave, or particle. Regardless, the two dance together quite beautifully. This union between light and sound is how we are able to determine sound waves that resonate with the various colors that align with the chakras of our body. This is also why people are apt to “see” colors when hearing the sound frequencies of crystal sound bowls.

Each chakra has its area of resonance within the body, a color spectrum, and a sound vibration that brings it into resonance:

• Root Chakra: Red, C Note
• Navel Chakra: Orange, D Note
• Solar Plexus Chakra: Yellow, E Note
• Heart Chakra: Green, F Note
• Throat Chakra: Blue, G Note
• Third Eye Chakra: Indigo, A Note
• Crown Chakra: Purple, B Note

When we are exposed to the crystalline healing sounds of these keys they bring the energy centers of the body back into balance in a multidimensional manner, helping us to restore health and balance holistically.

Putting it into practice

A great deal of value is placed on the healing and rebalancing benefits of sound vibration in the practice of Kundalini Yoga. As a teacher, I find the incorporation of crystal singing bowls in my classes to add an undeniable benefit to the healing and rebalancing benefits of the practice. Sitting or lying down in an intentional state of receptivity immersed in the sound allows the body and mind to receive and adjust passively while the vibrations do their work.

In my season of Kundalini Rising, you can experience the incorporation of crystal bowls at the end of each of my classes. I’d love to know what your experience is with the sounds!

Next 6 sessions

 I went through another course of 6 sessions.

Not sure I really got prepared for this as well as I should have.

Certainly helps my mood and anxiety/depression though.  I don't feel so out of control with my emotions.

BP always <110/70 before and after treatments

Nothing significant happened with these sessions.

Most of them lasted a very short time of 15 minutes, which is fine since it is still doing what needs to be done.

I have purchased another 18 sessions, cheaper to do this way. Only 100 dollars a session that way. 

Much better than the 450 a session I was paying at the beginnng!

Different things that occurred in the last 6 sessions:

~overwhelming feeling of peace

~connection and appreciation for Greg-felt protected

~relaxation, centered feeling.

6th treatment and wrap up (for this session)

BP prior 104/62  pulse70   After 110/78  pulse 74

6th treatment was about the same as the 5th, more deep relaxation/mediation type session.  

I have my 'wrap up session' today with my guide. I have signed up for 6 more sessions, I think  I have more to work on.  Some of my goals:

1.Continue to reflect on my reactions to people, work, myself. Take a breath before I react.

2. Continue to work on personal growth- making myself better as a human.

3. Continue working on boundaries.  I lost all sight of that this last year and it cost me dearly.  I need to get back into using boundaries to keep me from burning out and emptying myself completely.

4. Keep positive and healthy people in my life..if you' re not that...bye.

5. STOP blaming myself and wondering why people are the way they are. ie narcissists, manipulative etc. Just remember to LISTEN to my gut instinct that something is wrong. I ignored all of those warnings this last year as well.  Again, it cost me dearly. 

.

I have thought a lot about my life, where it has been and where it is going. I feel like I need something new. New adventure. Not sure what that is, but I feel like it is my career.    I need something more. Still trying to figure that out. I know right now, NO BIG decisions should be made. Gonna let it ride for now.

***

Finished my first wrap up session.  Got some good information and feedback.  

Just to add my notes so I don't forget!

1. Next 6 sessions are self lead. Meet with clinician 1/12-- 7am about goals and dosing.

2. Neuroplasticity lasts about 48-72 hours after the session.

3. Learn to honor my part in what has happened, not to blame myself but what role or responsibility did I play. ie not addressing red flags.

4. Take a raw look at my boundaries...take my power back to prevent it from happening again.

5. Will need to go through email for now with guide

6.She leads an integration circle Saturday am and grief and loss on Sundays if I want to joing

7. Challenge- make a vision board. Pictures only, no words. Something that speaks to me or evokes a positive emotion. Motivation to do better.

8. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE SECRET OF LIFE!!  Sacred pause, welcoming every emotion and letting go were my favorite programs.

9. This course for the next 6 is Welcoming Every Emotion.

10. SO HAPPY I HAVE DONE THIS AND CONTINUE TO DO THIS, I think it is something that has really helped me.  I also can't thank the people in my life that cheer me on and support me. I dont' think people realize how valuable that is.