Few things I want to remember

Few things I wrote down from my ketamine treatments. With the programs the first 7 minutes are spoken word while you have ketamine in your mouth and then turns to music.  Also a few things my therapist said that I want to hold onto!

~Why would you ever blame yourself for trusting someone you have known most of your life? 

~Of course you felt safe

~I was acting in line with my beliefs and the thoughts of the good in people.

~Big question- What made me vulnerable at that time ? (more about that later)

*Session on guilt and letting go.

-Is is a blessing to inherently see the good in people

-As a kind and compassionate person, you find it easier to blame yourself rather than acknowledge  the pain caused by others or uncontrollable events.  This misplaced guilt comes from your inherit goodness and desire to see the best in everyone and everything.

-Self blame adds to the burden no matter you've endured or experienced. No matter what you might tell yourself or take from others, you are not to blame.

* One of the revelations that came to me in this process, more recently actually is WHY I ended up in this toxic situation with a friend.

This came at the same time my mom was in the hospital 7 times.  I honestly saw for the first time my moms mortality.  THIS is something I do NOT handle well. My mom has been the most supportive and unjudgmental rock in my life and I talk to her everyday. HOURS AND HOURS we can talk! I think I was running from that and since I couldn't 'fix' her I needed to 'fix something'. My goal was to fix my friend,  that was attainable. (not really!)  I remember during that year in 2023 I couldn't stand to be home alone, not be out doing something. I couldn't stay home on my days off bc I was so anxiety driven and the busier I was, the less I had to worry about losing my mom.  Crazy. 

One thing about this journey, makes you really look within yourself to figure out why. Why you do the things you do. Why you react the way you do.