5th Ketamine treatment

 

BP prior 114/62 pulse 68   after 120/68  pulse 64

Phew, after that last one, I was really nervous about having another intense experience.  Greg was with me today and he is so cute...afterwards I asked if he looked at me at all during the ketamine since he was laying right beside me.  No, I didnt want to move and disrupt you!  Poor guy lol

This was more of a deep meditation.  I was aware of surroundings and smiled the entire time.  Felt so much happiness, love and light. I told Greg yesterday (2 days after treatment) I felt like I didnt have an elephant sitting on me crushing my soul.  I can talk about things and not cry.  I feel like I have grieved my friend, forgave myself for ignoring red flags etc.  Its still new, I am sure I will have setbacks but I will take all I can get!  

Towards the end of the ketamine when I felt like I was coming out a bit, I reached over and held his hand.  So comforting to have him next to me.  He is amazing. Has supported all this nutty shit I have been going through. I cant imagine what I would be without him.  He may not understand totally what I am going through, but he listens, understands and allows whatever I need to occur.  Love him so much.

I have one more treatment, then will likely extend for 6 more sessions.  I feel like the 4th was a breakthrough and want to keep momentum.  I am so happy this is working for me like it did last time.  I knew I would get here someday, just didnt know how long it would take me to get out of this hole I was in emotionally.  

It is time to be happy :) 

Most INTENSE session I have ever had

BP Prior 103/65 Pulse 70   Post session 118/75  Pulse 74

I've never documented right after a session, but this was the most intense one I have ever experienced.

Today, I cried a bit even while the Ketamine was kicking in when the narrator was talking about "The Meaning of Life".  Again, I went up to 1000mg from 800mg.     I can say, I am so physically and emotionally exhausted after this one! Mom noted I kept saying my tongue was numb (normal for this) and running my tongue over my teeth lol  

Nothing too exciting at the first 10 minutes, I was in a green field of grass, sunny blue skies and Gregs face looking at me smiling.  Not sure how long that lasted but suddenly, I pictured my friends face and everything went pitch black except his face, which eventually disappeared.  At that exact moment of his face coming to me the music changed drastically. Before, it was waterfalls and stream, nature sounds essentially.  It's hard to describe what the sound was. It wasn't music at all.  It was like loud machining type sound, that seemed to go on forever!  I started pushing my bone conducting headphones up, so it wasn't so loud. I guess I did that several times per my mom. She thought I was coming out of it, but I wasn't.   My mom said I kept grabbing at the top of my shirt and pulling it down. I remember feeling suffocated and heavy on my chest during this time. This was about 30 minutes into the session. I got scared but I remember telling myself I was safe and as they tell us, Trust, Let go and be open. So, I trusted the journey, hating every second to see where it took me during that time.  Mom said I was crying out loud, she wrote down 'something very painful-has not moved her hands from her shirt' (my mask was soaked from crying)

This gets even more interesting... I kept seeing the word and thinking the word PURGE, PURGE, PURGE.  If you've seen Lost, it was like the black smoke everyone was afraid of.  Blackness everywhere and then coming out of my chest.  It was the darkest, gross and unsettling feeling to be in that darkness. I am actually afraid of the dark, which made it worse. 

After that happened, the nice music of nature came back on.  I felt light, taking very deep breaths over and over.  Came out of it but still crying, not sure if happy or sad crying.   I audiotaped us talking for over 13 minutes, so I didn't forget was I was feeling or thinking. I currently am listening to the audio to make sure I remembered. That was difficult to hear how upset I was and breathing heavily.  Some things I said:

"Everything changed so rapidly to total darkness and pain." 

"I felt like I was suffocating in the darkness."  

"I almost couldn't take anymore."

"It was like I was purging, expelling darkness from me and I CAN BREATHE AGAIN"

"It was so weird how it fucking flipped so fast- how beautiful it was with Greg, feeling light, airy and the nice music and then horrible darkness, and I don't know if it was real what I was hearing."

"Why would they put music in here like this? It's so fucking horrible!" (the sounds when it went black)

"I almost took my eye mask off to fast forward the music, it was scaring me, I wanted to rip it off my headphones because I don't want to do this anymore, it hurts too much" (crying hard)

"It was horrible, so much heaviness."  

"I could breathe again after the darkness left."

"I want to stop crying, but I know it is a good cry."

I am sure it was more than difficult for my mom to watch this and not try to comfort me. 

Greg would NOT have handled this situation at all. He doesn't know how to handle me crying and especially if he couldn't intervein.  It was actually quite hard for me to listen to my post session audio...made me cry all over again. I think I will sleep well tonight but It think my headache may continue! 

This may sound like a horrible experience, but really it isn't. It shows me even more how dangerous and evil some can be with other people for their own gain and satisfaction.  Talk about a metaphor!!!!!!  

4th treatment coming up

What a week! Seriously I can't remember a more intense and busy week at work in a long time!   I was at work two out of four days at 3:50am.  Ridiculous! 

Anyhoot, not a moment to breathe to post anything.

I have noticed a pretty big change this week.  Likely a combination of time, ketamine, the work I am doing and being back at work where I really thrive and enjoy my patients.  (well most anyway :)

What I am noticing is smiling more, not a fake smile, but a real smile because I feel joy.  I feel like a fog is lifting from my brain, where intense pain and confusion was...acceptance and moving on is how I feel.  I can't try  to figure out why people are they way they are. All I know is, people really show you how they are and I ignored every red flag there was (with my friend actually, previous friend) .  When I cry now, it isn't long, it's not the gut wrenching crying I have been doing.  It still amazes me this situation brought up all the insecurities, lack of worthiness etc from my childhood. Damn it!

Right before this week, I was struggling.  The confusion of how someone I have known for over 30 years that I loved dearly, could actually be the person I NOW know him to be.  ie part of the acceptance.  I felt like if HE didn't think I was worth being friends with or treating me kindly, I must not be worthy of anyone's friendship or love.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Logically I know but my heart was so hurt and confused that I was having those insecurities from previous trauma come up.  I also feel there is so much confusion to me how there are actually people like this out there.

For example, my father was always an asshole.  I didn't get I love yous, hugs , encouragement etc.My friend had the dark side but also the loving, amazing side-probably because he was getting a lot from me. Money, lunches, clothes etc. THERE is where I find the hardest lesson.  People use charm and love (although fake love) to get what they need with no regard to you?  YES THEY DO.  WTF??  It is so far from my mindset and pretty much the farthest from how I think, it is hard to accept someone who used to be amazing, is totally a fucking narcissist!!!  Sad life really.  His life will continue to be the empty, unemployed, druggie friends and now responsibility unfortunately.  I have such an enriching, amazing, beautiful, successful life the fills my soul.  I just got lost for awhile.  I'm back baby! 

 This will be my 4th treatment today, going up to 1000mg from 800mg.  Different delivery forms are so different in dosing.  I am looking forward to it. My mom will be here today.  I have an appointment with my guide tomorrow morning. I saw my psych NP Thursday to discuss dosing. The good news is, no matter how I feel in the ketamine experience, it is still doing what it needs to do on my brain. That is reassuring because I thought I would have to feel a certain way for it to work, which is not the case.  

Well, off to run errands and pick up my mom.  I can't express to everyone in my life that has been checking on me and being there. I really have never felt so supported and it has been amazing.

Few memes that I'm feeling

Little about Buddhism (from a complete novice!) - symbolism

In the last year or so I have gotten two tattoos that are quite special to me.  I am not a buddhist by any means, but the teachings and symbolism speak to me and my path in life.  I literally just starting reading more about this two years ago, when I saw a buddha in one of my ketamine treatments. I really am just a beginner. 

The first tattoo was a lotus flower-I chose purple for the flower-The purple color represents self-awakening, balance within yourself and self enlightenment.

• The spiritual lotus flower is a well-known Buddhist symbol representing finding the light within the darkness. In nature, a lotus flower grows in muddy, murky water hidden from the sun. Even without sunlight, the lotus flower still emerges and blossoms into a beautiful plant. 

• So, the lotus flower represents overcoming challenges. It reminds us that, like the lotus flower, we too can rise from the mud and blossom into the best versions of ourselves, despite the challenges we have faced in the past or are currently facing.   

The second was Unalome

Like most other spiritual symbols, each part of the Unalome carries a specific visual representation of the symbol's meaning. Each aspect represents a different part of your spiritual growth.

• The spiral – At the base of the symbol, the spiral represents the beginning of your spiritual journey. It is the state before you awaken spiritually; our being is purely in the earthly realm, and illusions, blockages, emotions, and dramas cloud our minds.
• We all can remember a time in our lives when we felt like we were spiraling and everything was out of control. Eventually, we find direction and begin the path toward self-discovery. This pivotal period leads to the next part of the symbol.

• The loops – The spiral turns into a swirl (or loops) in the middle of the symbol, starting big and getting smaller. These loops show how life is full of sharp bends and unexpected turns, and it is these challenges that allow us to grow.
  The loops remind us that spiritual and personal growth is never linear. When we accept this, we can enjoy the process rather than desperately seek to reach our desired destination. 

• The straight line – At the end of the swirl, the loops become smaller and gradually turn into a straight line. The path appears less winding and unpredictable, and the ups and downs of life are no longer so extreme. As a result, our minds become clear, we become more aligned with ourselves, and we cultivate a deeper connection with the divine, entering higher states of consciousness. 
  Therefore, the line at the top of the symbol represents the last stages of our end goal. This part, in particular, can serve as a reminder to have hope and faith when we're in the tangles of the loops and spiral.

• The dots – Above the straight line are three dots, which represent completion and enlightenment. By this stage, we have successfully escaped the cycles of suffering. As we are no longer controlled by our minds or stuck in the challenges of the earthly plane, we experience a profound sense of inner peace. 

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Buddha means "the enlightened one" or "the awakened one"

https://dharmawisdom.org/articles/  More information if interested

Buddhist ethical worship

Kamma

The Buddha taught that Kamma is important as it means that people have the power to determine their own destiny through their own actions. Through kamma people can be set free from ignorance and suffering.  Thinking about how they behave enables Buddhists to do good things in their life.

Buddhists should try to follow the Noble Eightfold path and the teachings of the Buddha so that they do not cause suffering. This enables them to reach enlightenment and freedom from samsara.

Kamma is the idea that all actions (no matter how big or small) have consequences. However, for Buddhists it is more specific than that, as they believe that there are skillful and unskillful actions. A skillful action is one that produces happiness, whereas an unskillful action is one that produces suffering. 

In Buddhist teaching, the fourth truth (the stopping of dukkha) contains the Eightfold Path leading out of samsara (i.e., the cycle of repeated birth, mundane existence and dying again) to nirvana (release from release from rebirths in saṃsara and cessation of dukkha). It consists of:

• Right View – an accurate understanding of the nature of things, specifically the Four Noble Truths
• Right Resolve – avoiding thoughts of attachment, hatred, and harmful intent
• Right Speech – correct speech, refraining from verbal misdeeds such as lying, divisive speech, harsh speech, and senseless speech
• Right Action – refraining from physical misdeeds such as killing, stealing, and sexual misconduct
• Right Livelihood – avoiding trades that directly or indirectly harm others, such as selling slaves, weapons, animals for slaughter, intoxicants, or poisons
• Right Effort – abandoning negative states of mind that have already arisen, preventing negative states that have yet to arise, and sustaining positive states that have already arisen
• Right Mindfulness – awareness of body, feelings, thought, and phenomena (the constituents of the existing world)
• Right Meditation – single-mindedness; focusing attention in order to enter meditational states.

Karuna and metta

Compassion (karuna)

Compassion is a feeling of concern for others who are suffering and therefore makes a person want to do something to help. In Buddhism, compassion is called . The Buddha taught that showing compassion to others is something all people can do, even if they find other parts of his teaching difficult to follow.

Buddhists believe that they should show compassion to everyone. They should also try to think about how they would feel if it was them suffering, as this will help them to want to free others from that suffering.

Compassion is one of the , which the Buddha taught that people should work on and develop within themselves. People should do this so that they know (through wisdom) how to help others.

Loving kindness (metta)

Another one of the Four Sublime States is , or loving kindness. It is important as Buddhists want to develop this quality in order to help others to be free from suffering.

Metta is a more positive way of looking at life than karuna, as metta is about trying to show love to others before they need help. A good example of this would be giving something to a friend to make them happy (metta) rather than helping someone if they fell over (karuna). Although both are important, metta is more positive as it involves acting before being prompted to do so by a bad situation.

Metta leads people to be kinder, more considerate and more helpful.

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The Triple Gem

• Buddha – the historical Buddha and one’s own potential for awakening
• Dharma – the teachings of the Buddha; the truth of the way things are
• Sangha – the community; in Asia this refers to the monastic community, in the West this includes lay practitioners

These are also referred to as The Three Refuges:
“I take refuge in: the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha”

 

The Four Noble Truths

1. There is suffering
2. The origin of suffering is craving
3. There is an end to suffering
4. The way to the end of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path

The Four Foundations of Mindfulness

1. Mindfulness of the body in the body (includes the breath and the four elements: earth, fire, water, air)
2. Mindfulness of feeling tones in feeling tones (whether something is pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral)
3. Mindfulness of the mind in the mind
4. Mindfulness of objects of the mind

The Three Marks of Existence

1. Impermanence (anicca)
2. Suffering (dukkha)
3. No Self (anatta)

The Four Brahma-Viharas (Heavenly Abodes)

1. Loving-kindness (metta)
2. Compassion (karuna)
3. Empathetic Joy (mudita)
4. Equanimity (upekkha)

The Five Precepts

1. To refrain from taking life
2. To refrain from taking that which is not freely given
3. To refrain from sexual misconduct
4. To refrain from unwise/unskillful speech
5. To refrain from intoxication

The Five Hindrances

1. Sensual Desire (kammachanda)
2. Anger or ill will (byapada vyapada)
3. Sloth and Torpor (thina-middha)
4. Restlessness (uddhacca=kukkucca)
5. Doubt   (vicikiccha)

The Seven Factors of Enlightenment

1. Mindfulness (sati)
2. Investigation of the dharma (dhammavicaya)
3. Energy (viriya)
4. Rapture (piti)
5. Tranquility (passaddhi)
6. Concentration (samadhi)
7. Equanimity (upekkha)

https://dharmawisdom.org/glossary-of-buddhist-terms/

https://dharmawisdom.org/recommended-reading-new-meditators/

www.accesstoinsight.org
This website contains an extensive collection of books, essays, and sutta commentaries by well-known Theravada Buddhism teachers, including Ajahn Chah and Thanissaro Bhikkhu, as well as a Pali-English glossary. It is an important resource for anyone interested in studying the suttas.

www.bps.lk
This website of the Buddhist Publication Society has an extensive library of hard-to-find works by such notable Buddhist teachers as Nyanaponika Thera and Bhikkhu Bodhi, as well as an English-Pali dictionary. 

www.buddhanet.net
This Web site by the Buddha Dharma Education Association contains the World Buddhist Directory, a comprehensive listing of Buddhist centers and communities around the world; an extensive library of e-books, including The Four Noble Truths by Venerable Ajahn Sumedho; and audio recordings.

www.dharmaseed.org
Dharmaseed offers nearly 500 audio recordings of dharma talks by vipassana meditation teachers, many of which were recorded at Spirit Rock Meditation Center and Insight Meditation Society.

www.sacred-texts.com
This website features online electronic versions of The Sacred Books of the East, a 50-volume series published by Oxford University Press between 1879 and 1910 containing translations of key sacred texts of Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Confucianism, Zoroastrianism, Jainism, and Islam. This is an important resource for anyone with a scholarly interest in Buddhism.

3rd Ketamine treatment

This process is so emotionally and physically draining.  I look forward to the other side I know is coming.  Feeling raw is the best way I can describe it.

Greg was my person with me this time.  Went into with open mind, which was kind of the mantra for the day.  As was letting go.  Usually how this goes is...

You make an intention of what you want to focus on

You listen to a couple of videos, usually less than 5 minutes, from the medical director.  Usually great information.  

You read about what he talks about

They recommend you shower and brush your teeth (so the medicine absorbs better) I usually sit on my bed because I can change elevation etc of feet and head so I am comfortable. 

You take your blood pressure- Prior 100/60 pulse 70  post session-107/62 pulse 65

You start your 'music' , this time was letting go.  When this starts you put the medicine between cheek and gums for 7 minutes.  There is talking on the music about intention for that 7 minutes and then there is a ding to tell you to spit the medicine out.  I felt it again prior to spitting it out.

Then I lay back with a blanket, eye mask on (total darkness even with lights on) and let things go. 

I smiled several times, thinking about Greg. He saw me smile too he said.

There is such a relaxation felt when it first starts.  The music is more vivid if that makes sense.  

I was only under for about 30 minutes.  Then was pretty tired so took a nap.  

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This weeks "Letting go" session for 7 minutes highlights:

When you let go a little, you have a little happiness.

If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness

If you let go completely, you will be free

Tasks for living a wise life is letting go, it is a path to freedom.

Letting go of the pain, the fear, the past and the stories that have a hold on you, can quiet your mind and open your heart

You don't have to fear letting go, you can trust the courage and vulnerability of your heart to meet life as it is.

As you let go, the tender ground of healing, honesty and love will carry you

Remember, letting go doesn't make you lose the knowledge that you gained from the past. To let go is to release the images, emotions, the grudges and fears, the clinging to disappointments of the past that bind your spirit. 

Letting go is not the same as aversion, struggling to let go. You cannot let go of what you resist

What you fear and resist, secretly follows you as you push it away. 

To let go of fear or trauma you acknowledge just how it is. Letting go begins with letting be.

When you learn to let things be, they gradually lose their power. They cease to disturb you. As you allow what is true, space comes into the body and mind. You breathe and soften and come to rest where you are.

Accepting what is so, you become free. 

As you approach letting go in your own heart and mind, you can ask yourself, "do I need to continue to replay this story? Do I have to hold on to these losses and feelings? Is it time to let this go?" the heart will know. 

There is an organic cycle to letting go. You will feel it as a wisdom that knows it is time to move on.  To release the past. To release the concerns and fears and tenderly return to the present. 

When you learn to let go, you come to an honest and simple openness just where you are.  

Bring kind attention to body and breath and let yourself settle in the ground of the present.

Bring into loving awareness whatever story or feelings or actions that it is time to let go of.

You can acknowledge them gently, betrayal, sadness, anxiety and allow the experience in the space to be. To float without resistance. 

Let yourself feel the ease and benefit that will come from this deep letting go. Say to yourself- let go....let go....let go. As you do, soften the body and heart and let any feelings that come up let them drain to the earth. 

Feel the openness that comes when you let go. How the heart softens and the space of the body opens. 

Now envision the days of the future where this situation has been released. Sense the freedom, the innocence, the ease that this letting go will bring. 

Say to yourself again, let go.

Sit quietly to see if the feelings return, often they will. Each time they return, breathe softly and say quietly to them, "I've let you go. I 've returned you to the earth. I do not need to carry you any further. I'm moving on. I've let you go."

Naturally the images and feelings will come back. Sometimes over and over again. Yet as you continue to practice letting go, letting go gently and kindly... they will eventually fade.

Gradually the mind and heart  will come to trust the space of letting go.

Gradually the heart will be easy and you will find an opening for well being and freedom. Fresh to move on in your life as you learn to let go. 

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Prior to 3rd ketamine treatment

Well, all I can say to start is ....FUCK I don't want to do this today. I had to take a break bc I am so emotionally and physically exhausted from this work.  It has taken so much out of me.  BUT, I gotta do it. I have my 3rd ketamine treatment today so I guess I gotta get back in the game!

The day after the last ketamine, I completely fell apart.  Why, don't know. I cried and cried and cried. You know that feel like you can't breathe cry...yeah that was me.  I think that's why I took a break.  I had a visit with my NP who rxs ketamine on Thursday and told her I was sooo tired of crying. She told me to expect it, the treatment tapped into something and I need to go with it.  Ok.   If you say so.  Several things I am tired of right now.

Tired of feeling unworthy

Tired of crying every damn day

Tired of my body hurting from head to toe because of this

Tired of being in pain like this emotionally, I've never cried this much in my life

Tired of my headache that has been here for almost 2 weeks.  That makes me emotional too.

Tired of seeing my husband suffering because I am in pain and he can't 'fix it'.  It has always killed him when I cry and this kind of crying affects him so much.  He just doesn't know what to do but he is doing everything I need him to and he doesn't even realize it. 

Tired of being angry that this has brought me to my knees. I am supposed to be stronger than this

Tired of not sleeping

Tired for not being there for people I care about bc they are hurting or struggling.  

Okay , enough bitching.  I thought it would be a good idea to paint my upstairs area where my office is last Wednesday after my ketamine treatment Tuesday.  This includes 3 full bookshelves of books.  I have this really bad habit of needing to organize or do some project when I have anxiety. The one thing I found was my old journal from my first ketamine 2 years ago.  Found a few things interesting.

There are types of trauma, complex PTSD is type 2.

Those with Type II trauma, or chronic trauma, typically have additional symptoms like dissociation, self-mutilation, addiction, paranoia, and physical symptoms. As with Type I trauma, the specific Type II trauma symptoms experienced differ by individual. Importantly, as clinical presentations differ significantly based on type of trauma, so does the appropriate treatment approach. Those with Type I trauma are most effectively treated with exposure-based trauma therapy types like prolonged exposure therapy (PET), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), or cognitive processing therapy (CPT). 

The most effective treatment for individuals with Type II trauma is a three-phase approach that begins with interventions targeting safety, stabilization, and improved functioning in day-to-day life. Once this is achieved, exposure-based therapy is appropriate.  Unfortunately, many individuals suffering from Type II trauma or complex PTSD are often misdiagnosed and don’t receive effective and comprehensive treatment. This unfortunate trend points to the importance of seeking out a qualified trauma therapist who can accurately diagnose and create an individualized treatment plan.

This is where the book, The body keeps score was recommended to me and also was recommended for a 'body based' intervention.  This being yoga, acupuncture and grounding.  (examples) 

One of the things that occurs is your brain and neurotransmitters with cPTSD is new information or new stressors relate back to trauma and cause you to feel every day stressors as a threat.   Which in turn causes anxiety,  increased heart rate, fear etc.  

There is so much we discussed about the brain, I will need to get into later.

Allow thing to come up during ketamine, even if painful because we have to trust the inner healing that is happening.

Changes that I noticed in my life from cPTSD- (discussed two years ago during treatment)

Everything is taken to heart

Need reassurance (that resolved until recently)

I sacrificed my time to make other people happy , friends, family and patients. I have learned and relearning boundaries. 

Binge eating

Poor body image

Quickly angered, cries easily. That also got so much better until recently.

Everything has to be perfect

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I read my journal on the first ketamine treatment and had forgotten the other things I saw were 'warriors' like native american warriors.  Which apparently was also protection I never had as a child.  

We discussed this:

The 2nd ketamine treatment I envisioned myself thigh deep in a "louisiana swamp" .  Showing me feeling stuck, couldn't move or escape.   I wrote I was feeling more compassion for myself and more 'lightbulb' moments. (hope that comes soon!) 

My 3rd treatment wasn't very successful, short duration even with high dose.  I did see a tiny buddha apparently too.  Lots in my life about that now! 

This of course is all for me to remember and share but I like revisiting these things so I remember. 

*****  I am supposed to set an intention for today.  I think this time it is letting go of how I think I should feel during this process.  Its that weird control issue I have.  I have to trust and let go.